Lock this condiment purist in the Heinz ward | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Lock this condiment purist in the Heinz ward

Last month, a local man tweeted to the Heinz Corporation that he brought his own Heinz ketchup packets to Kennywood Park, knowing that they don’t serve his favorite brand. Heinz Corporation tweeted back and rewarded the man with a summer supply of Heinz ketchup packets, plus two season passes to Kennywood.

This Twitter exchange not only went viral but gained national attention when Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster made a YouTube video handing out Heinz ketchup to Kennywood patrons. 

As of this month, Kennywood announced that they will serve Heinz ketchup and apologized for the error in judgement.

Over the years, there have been several articles written about our city’s deep loyalty to Heinz ketchup.

Here’s my question: Why only the ketchup?

You never hear this outrage when the people of Pittsburgh aren’t being served Heinz pickles or Heinz BBQ sauce. 

I mean, if you were truly loyal to Heinz, then you’d defend all of its condiments.

Hear me loud and clear, Pittsburgh! If you love Heinz ketchup, you will LOVE the company's eight different BBQ sauces. 

Personally, I prefer Heinz mayo. I know the world (specifically my Aunt Val) prefers other options like Hellman’s, but for me, it’s “Hell NO, man.” Ya Dig? And yes, I’m all about the blending of mayo and ketchup to make “Mayochup.” It saves me money and room in my refrigerator!

Did you even realize that Heinz makes beans, relishes, vinegars, pickles, gravy, cocktail sauce, and so much more?

Wake up, Sheeple! You can’t only be angry when the Ketchup gets dissed.

The outrage you feel about Heinz Ketchup not being served at Kennywood is how you should feel all the time. You should be in a constant state of fury that restaurants aren’t Heinz-inclusive in this town. 

This summer, if you’re at a friend’s house for a picnic and they serve hotdogs, look at the condiments. If you see French’s mustard, then you know your friends are monsters! They probably have a Ravens jersey hidden in their closet and if questioned, couldn’t name one song by The Clarks.

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