You should talk to your teens about porn. Here’s why

click to enlarge

When my son was 15, I was the one who taught him to drive. Out of his four parents (including his step-parents), there was an implicit agreement that I had the temperament that could shepherd him, and our cars, through the learning process in one piece.

During one of our lessons, he was unnecessarily tapping the brakes and I said, “You don’t have to tap the brakes like that, what are you doing?” He responded, obviously as a joke, “I’m edging the car.”

I don’t know about you, but I came of age in the early ‘90s. The internet as we know it did not yet exist, and the only access that I had to pornography came in the form of stills from the old Playboy magazines my friends and I found in our dads’ hidden stashes. Had you asked me when I was 15 (or 25, for that matter!) what edging is — the practice of getting yourself or your partner close to orgasm and then stopping short (or, getting close to the edge without going over) — I would have been at a loss.

My sex education (which admittedly was better than most) included what my mom told me about the mechanics of sex and reproduction, what my school taught us about STIs, pregnancy, and the necessity of condoms (I was in California and we were still reeling from the AIDS crisis), and what my friends learned from their equally uninformed and inexperienced older siblings. My Gen X friends and I knew what sex was and we were, of course, curious about it, but we didn’t have a sexual vocabulary that included kinks, BDSM, non-normative sexual practices, and pleasure beyond the notion of orgasm.

This is not true of our kids, whether we want to admit it or not. Even if we lock the home computers and their devices down with the most stringent child safety measures, the world they inhabit is pornified; that is to say, the sexuality and aesthetics of pornography have seeped into the culture to such an extent that they have a sexual vocabulary and knowledge that extends far beyond what we had as teens. They do not have to see porn (though they are very likely to have), to know what edging is — or any number of other things.

Yet, knowing what something is and understanding its significance are two different things. For years, I worked on phone sex lines and would often have young people (though obviously people old enough to have a credit card to pay for the call) phone in to ask questions about the things they were being exposed to that confused, scared, or excited them. They needed someone to explain to them what they were seeing and to help walk them through their feelings about it.

If this surprises you, let me be clear: when parents and schools do not teach young people about sex, they seek answers in other places, and sex workers often become de facto sex educators. As both a parent and a sex worker who has spent much of my career talking folks through their misconceptions about sex and sexuality, I think we must give our teens a framework for understanding the images they see and the concepts they glean.

As a former performer, I want to start by saying that I am not anti-pornography, I just think that we need to do the work of contextualizing it for our kids who are, in many cases, being exposed to it before they become sexually active themselves, and before they have the tools to understand what they are seeing. Here are a few things that I think it is important to convey when having this talk. If you’re uncomfortable doing it yourself, you can feel free to pass this article along to your teenagers.

Pornography is entertainment.
While many people learn about sex by watching porn, porn itself is not sex education and porn performers should not be expected to inhabit this role. Like other forms of entertainment, porn is heavily curated by professionals whose job it is to make what they are doing look effortless. This means that all of the work (and it is work!) that goes into pulling off certain sexual acts (especially more skilled ones like anal or fisting) end up on the cutting room floor. Unless it is highly fetishized content, we do not see the efforts that go into getting ready for the scene, which can include things like enemas, lube application, anal training/stretching, the use of Viagra or other erectile dysfunction remedies, and more. Assume that what is required to ready your body for any given sexual encounter is more than what you see on screen.

The safety norms and considerations are different in porn.
It is uncommon to see condom use in porn, even though performers have a variety of partners on screen. This does not mean that it is safe for non-performs to also go without. Porn performers are professionals who adhere to a strict testing protocol that is regulated within the industry. People outside of the industry don’t have access to the rapid testing that porn performers do and, unlike performers, there is no guarantee that their partners are following safety protocols. Always use condoms.

Consent is typically negotiated off-set.
While it may look like porn performers are down for everything, that is because they have pre-negotiated what they are and are not open to before the cameras started rolling. When having sex with new partners, do not assume that they will like having sex the way your favorite porn star appears to like having sex. Instead, be curious about your partner's likes and dislikes (and your own, for that matter). Do not assume you or your partner will like something just because it looks exciting in porn. Ask for consent before doing anything new, and be willing to pivot if there are things either of you are uncomfortable with. Moreover, know that just because your partner says yes one time doesn’t mean that it is a yes forever and always. Always ask for consent.

Porn stars are professionals.
You would not expect to learn to drive by watching NASCAR because you know that NASCAR drivers are extremely skilled, practiced, and trained. Porn stars are the same; they have learned to use their bodies in extraordinary ways — ways that are akin to how professional athletes use their bodies. While everyone is capable of having satisfying and pleasurable sex, not everyone is capable of doing so with the intensity of porn stars. Appreciate what they do with the same kind of awe that you have for anyone who is highly skilled. And importantly, don’t measure yourself against them (and I mean this both literally and figuratively). Find out what is possible and pleasurable for your body.

Porn can take different forms.
You may not be into porn, and that is also totally fine. If you are someone who is not turned on by visual porn (I am one of these people, I rarely watch porn!), other mediums may give you what you need. Written smut can be very steamy, and audio porn is becoming more and more popular. There is nothing wrong with being curious about sex and finding ways to connect with it and learn about it. Just remember that all of these mediums are curated for your entertainment and are not intended to be models of how to have sex or educational tools. Use them for their intended purpose: entertainment and sexual gratification.

Pay for your porn (when you are of age).
As a sex worker, I would be remiss if I did not point out that while there is a ubiquity of free porn on the internet, it is still important to pay for your porn. Being a porn performer is a job, one that is highly stigmatized and also hard on the body. The people who work to bring the content that excites you should be paid. In the social media age, it is very easy to pay your favorite performers directly. Most porn stars have Twitter and Onlyfans accounts, and both places will give you ways to pay them for their work. It is also now possible to tip content creators directly on Pornhub.