Earlier this year, Hallmark announced its new holiday movie lineup. On the list was Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story, about, you guessed it, the Kansas City Chiefs. The movie’s plot involves a woman named Alana whose family is sure to win the Chiefs’ annual “Fan of the Year” contest, and a man named Derrick, the director of fan engagement for the Chiefs, and ultimate decision maker. While we can’t blame Hallmark for jumping on the meteoric rise of the Chiefs’ cachet, which may or may not have something to do with the real-life romance between superstar Taylor Swift and Chiefs’ tight end Travis Kelce, we think Pittsburgh can do way better when it comes to a Hallmark holiday movie.
Here is our take on Pittsburgh’s version of a Hallmark holiday movie, given the Steelers play the Chiefs on Christmas this year:
Let’s start with the title. Playing off the Chiefs version, ours would, of course, be called Touchdahn! A Stillers Love Story N’at. The main characters’ names would not be trendy nonsense like Alana and Derrick. They would be solid Pittsburgh names, ones that were popular in the ‘80s, like Tammy, or family names passed down through generations, like Anthony (Tony for short).
Tammy, a local Eat’n Park waitress, is gifted early Steelers tickets for the Christmas Day game versus the Browns (in our version, the opponent is our most historic rival) by her grandfather, who has had season tickets since the ‘70s. Tammy is planning to take her boyfriend, Preston, a major jagoff, but no one is brave enough to tell Tammy they hate him. Preston, who is from Cleveland, and a Browns fan, moved to Pittsburgh last year to work a corporate job for PPG.
Since Hallmark movies are full of the obvious, it’s clear that Tammy and Preston are not a good match. Instead, Tony, Tammy’s neighbor on her block “dahn the South Side” is clearly meant for her. The two have known each other since their elementary school days and even went to Brashear High School together. Tony is a city employee, working in trash removal and plowing the streets when it snows. Tammy and Tony’s families have known each other for decades and often spend the holidays together.
The movie follows Preston and Tammy as they get ready for the holiday season, driving “aht” to Hozak Farms to get a Christmas tree, drinking at a Christmas-themed pop-up bar “dahntahn,” ice skating at the rink at PPG Place, and attending midnight mass on Christmas Eve after Tony’s grandmother’s Feast of the Seven Fishes. Viewers clearly see Preston is a jerk, as he treats the Christmas tree farm employees terribly, wrinkles his nose in disgust at the seafood-heavy Christmas Eve meal, and drinks too much at the Christmas pop-up bar.
Fast forward to Christmas Day and the big game. In the chaos of entering Heinz Field (yinzers would never stand for it being called Acrisure Stadium in the movie), Tammy loses her lucky Terrible Towel. It was her late grandmother’s, and one of the originals that are darker gold instead of the brighter yellow color. She is distraught, but tries to put on a happy face because it’s Christmas, after all!
Preston, being the jag he is, gets drunk at the game and gets into a fight with a Steelers fan who says a snide comment about his Myles Garrett jersey. He gets thrown out by security, leaving Tammy alone. She sits, defeated, watching the Steelers and Browns in a nail biter of a game, wondering where her Terrible Towel is.
Her phone vibrates and she fishes it out of her pocket, seeing it’s a photo from Tony. Her screen lights up with a picture of her towel, dirty and wet from the freshly fallen snow. The text reads: “Drop something?” with a smiley face. Tammy looks up and sees Tony, who had bought a ticket to the game and didn’t tell her. The two kiss as Chris Boswell kicks a field goal in the last two seconds of the game, winning it for the Steelers.
“What about Preston?” Tony asks. Tammy shakes her head and replies, “It would have never worked. He was from Cleveland after all!”
With Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce and 14-time Grammy winner and music superstar Taylor Swift both in town (possibly) for a 1 p.m. game against the Steelers on Christmas Day, we put together a list of places for them to visit for a classic Pittsburgh holiday weekend.
1. Ride the incline and take photos at the Grandview Overlook. If we’re lucky enough to have a white Christmas, a snowy view from atop Mt. Washington would be the perfect backdrop for their red Chiefs outfits.
2. Visit Pittsburgh’s official Christmas tree at the City-County Building for more photos. Swifties were buzzing last spring when photos came out of Kelce and Swift visiting Singapore’s famed “Gardens by the Bay” while Swift was in the country for the Eras Tour. The couple could recreate that romantic date at our very own 40-foot blue spruce, decorated with 90 ornaments representing Pittsburgh’s neighborhoods.
3. Take in Kennywood’s Holiday Lights. While the attraction isn’t open on Christmas Day, if Swift and Kelce stay overnight to Dec. 26, they can stop by Kennywood’s holiday spectacular, with over three million lights, dozens of Christmas-y characters, and rides like the Racer and carousel, all decorated for the season.
4. Have a fancy dinner at the LeMont. Judging from paparazzi photos, if there’s one date night the famous couple loves, it’s fancy dinners out. The traditional restaurant with breathtaking views of the city serves dishes like steaks, pastas, and vegetarian items. If they want to get super romantic, the LeMont serves two dishes prepared tableside — one being the “chateaubriand for two,” which includes 24 oz. center cut roasted beef tenderloin, finished with Bordelaise, fresh potatoes, and vegetables du jour.
5. Close Phipps Conservatory for an evening. When you’re Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, you can close entire businesses just for your private date night. This year’s Phipps Holiday Magic flower show theme is “Enchantment,” which fits perfectly with the song “Enchanted,” from Swift’s Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) album.
This article appears in Dec 18-24, 2024.
