Did we need a comic re-boot of the already silly lifeguards-solve-crimes TV show Baywatch? No, but here we are, thanks to director Seth Gordon, who tries to steer this flopping fish of a comedy ashore. It’s technically summer at the megaplex, so let’s examine whether you should spend your vacation cash on this.
Seven Reasons to See Baywatch
- Everybody is very fit.
- The bathing suits are tiny.
- The ladies have big boobs.
- The men also have big chests.
- There is slow-motion boob-bouncing.
- Zac Efron’s abs have abs.
- “There’s more to the job than just swimming.” (See Reasons 1-6.)
Seven Reasons Not to See Baywatch
- The action is relocated to Florida, which just doesn’t have the same great seaside scenery as California. It looks like a mall with sand outside.
- The film can’t pick a lane between winking parody, action comedy and cut-and-paste crime story.
- It’s about 15 minutes worth of material stretched out to two hours.
- Comedian Hannibal Buress is wasted in a small unfunny role.
- It offers more male-based wish-fulfillment, where the shlubby guy effortlessly scores the hot chick.
- Ohmigod, stop with the gay-panic jokes! Note to Baywatch: If you’re so uncomfortable with male sexuality, maybe, for starters, don’t make a movie starring two barely dressed hot guys.
- Getting bumped up to an R rating means more witless profanity and some comic male nudity. If there was a union for show-biz testicles, it would be filing for overtime pay.
This article appears in May 31 – Jun 6, 2017.
