When hypochondriacs get sick | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

When hypochondriacs get sick

“If it’s not a head cold, it’s definitely fatal.”

I have been sick now for over a week. Yesterday was the first day I actually got out of bed and left the house. It was exhausting.

I’m told I have a mix of a head cold and an upper respiratory infection, but my hypochondriac brain is telling me it is far worse.

If it’s not a head cold, it’s definitely fatal. 

I feel it all in my head. My skull bones are sensitive! (Are skull bones a thing? I got a D in honors anatomy in high school, so I’m not sure.)

Anyway, it feels brain related. For years, I have asked my doctor to give me a brain scan. I started asking for one when I was 15. I think that fact alone warrants me a scan, but nope. Medical professionals think I’m “silly.”

I’ve been concerned for years that there is water pressure on my brain. I saw it in a movie once. There was this guy and he had really bad handwriting because of water pressure on his brain.

I have awful penmanship, and it keeps getting worse. I can’t even read my own writing at this point. All signs point to water on my brain.

It’s hard to believe that a common head cold would hurt my brain bones, my ear bones, my jaw bones, my teeth bones, and my throat bones. (Don’t forget my D in anatomy).

Not to be gross, but the amount of fluid coming out of my nose and throat and ears is abundant. Clearly the excess water is either flooding my brain or my brain is on the verge of explosion. The nasal cavity pressure is intense, gang. 

Now I will admit that when I take Mucinex, I feel some relief. I’ll also give you that I doubt Mucinex cures a brain disorder so this could potentially be a common head cold. 

But it could also be that it’s the early stage of an undiagnosed heart issue.

I know enough about congestive heart failure to know that is involves the root word: congest. Congest is also the root of congestion and I have that right now.

What if it’s not an upper respiratory infection? What if my heart is just not beating properly? I mean … maybe a normal person would get sick and be better in a couple days. This is lasting over a week because it’s serious. 

It’s my heart! It’s my brain! It’s … oh my gosh. It’s neither. 

It’s my courage!

Guys, I’m the Cowardly Lion. 

“I do believe in colds. I do believe in colds. I do, I do, I do, I do!”

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