Target claims another victim in the cosmetics aisle | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Target claims another victim in the cosmetics aisle

'These at-home treatments only cost $1.99 per mask. That means I could have up to five treatments a week for only $20'

click to enlarge Gab Bonesso, masked - CP PHOTO: GAB BONESSO
CP photo: Gab Bonesso
Gab Bonesso, masked

I have never been to a proper spa. I’m a working-class artist living in a working-class town. Spa treatments just aren’t in my budget.

But I'm curious about them because, who doesn’t like the idea of being pampered and properly moisturized? But the turn-off for me isn’t just the price; It’s the strangers touching my body.

I've only had one professional massage, and the masseuse’s hands were the worst. The massage made both my skin and soul itchy. I hated it. Plus, the masseuse complained about her childhood during my entire visit. It was the opposite of relaxing.

I know spa treatments involve facials, manis, pedis, and other things that involve strangers touching my body. Ultimately, I don’t think they are for me.

But the other day I was walking down the cosmetics aisle at Target, as one does when they specifically entered the store solely for furnace filters. (Target, Am I Right?)

Anyway, I found a section dedicated to face masks, and each face mask was described as an “at-home spa treatment.” The metaphorical light bulb that lives in my brain ignited. Face masks are spa treatments for shut-ins!

These at-home treatments only cost $1.99 per mask. That means I could have up to five treatments a week for only $20. 

I know there is a saying, “quality not quantity,” but I hate that saying. It doesn’t apply to Hostess snack cakes, and it certainly doesn’t apply to pampering yourself. If you ask me, eat all the doughnuts and use all the $1.99 face masks you can afford. The more powdered doughnuts, the better. The more moisturized your skin is, the better you feel. Ask Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs!

Lately my favorite face masks are ones that moisturize my skin, exfoliate my skin, or ones that add copious amounts of Vitamin C to my face. I have a mixed skin type that is either very oily or very dry so a nice mix of those three seem to make a difference.

I was recently tempted to try an “age-defying” face mask. What? I’m human, I fear death and aging just like everyone else. It said that it would make my skin tight and taut. 

I’m not sure if it was that particular face mask or the fact that I am using around five masks a week (I’m not addicted, I have dry skin); but recently, I had an odd exchange with a school teacher.

I finished an anti-bully assembly and the teacher asked me if I’d be starting college soon. Bless her heart. I told her I was 1,000 years old, but I have a self-portrait aging in my closet. She laughed, but we know the truth.

Oscar Wilde definitely invented face masks. 

Comments (0)

Add a comment

Add a Comment