Substitute Cool Whip for Sweet-Tooth Cravings | Food | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Substitute Cool Whip for Sweet-Tooth Cravings

For someone who is overweight, can’t swim and is as pale as a pile of snow, the beach has never been my scene

click to enlarge Note: not ice cream :( - PHOTO COURTESY OF KELLY ANDREWS
Photo courtesy of Kelly Andrews
Note: not ice cream :(

Remember as a kid when your grandma used to top a bowl of cherry Jell-O with Cool Whip and it was considered a treat? These days, I use the trademarked, artificial whipped topping in dishes that once held underrated vanilla ice cream. I’m working on self-acceptance, using the mantra “My body doesn’t determine my self-worth,” and trying to convince myself that self-love is possible as a plus-sized lady, yadda yadda. But I also realize I can’t eat whatever shitty food I want, not exercise and expect to recognize myself in literally any photo taken of me in the last year or so. So while there is a growing number of commercials, social-media hashtags, and conversations that throw around the term “beach body,” for someone who is overweight, can’t swim and is as pale as a pile of snow, the beach has never been my scene. Nor do I intend to spend my days worrying about whether my body is the appropriate size to stuff into a two-piece, high-waisted bathing suit. I’ll let my thighs jiggle while walking in the hot sand whenever I feel like it. All of this to say, go to the beach if you like being wet for longer than 10 minutes, or the average showering time, if that’s your thing. Also, try this simple snack whenever you’ve really got a sweet-tooth craving and are trying to cut back on desserts, but just aren’t there yet.


  • 2 large spoonfuls of Cool Whip, which, if kept frozen, will have a consistency similar to ice cream, but it’s not ice cream, so don’t get your hopes up
  • handful of fresh, sliced strawberries
  • handful of almonds
  • generous topping of chocolate morsels


Throw it all in a bowl. Savor every bite. Rub your belly in appreciation for all of its hard work. Repeat “My body doesn’t determine my self-worth” as needed.

Kelly Andrews is a poet who plans to stick around Pittsburgh indefinitely. You can find more sad, healthy (and funny) meals on her blog

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