Dear Bob Nutting:
I am contacting you regarding your opening for “2020 Pierogie.” After reading the job description and requirements, I know I could be your next Sauerkraut Saul or Oliver Onion. Just don't ask me to be Cheese Chester. But that’s a story for another time.
Let me begin with a bit of personal history. I always had a hard time connecting with typical heroes. I was too slow to be an athlete and not confident enough to be an oil tycoon. So, I found my guiding light the same way generations of children had done before me ... watching hours of television.
It wasn’t instantaneous, but it happened. I found my muses: The California Raisins. If those dried, shriveled grapes could overcome their shortcomings as discarded fruit and be stars, so could I. Those jaunty raisins singing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” in the Emmy Award-winning A Claymation Christmas Celebration really lit a burner under my tender outside.
I fell in love with and studied anything and everything anthropomorphized food. Mr. Peanut had attained the financial freedom a modest kid from the suburbs could only dream of. The Green Giant wasn’t like the gross vegetables I knew; he was manly and delicious, like I wanted to be. And the Kool-Aid Man; he was everything I could hope for — a giant pitcher full of fun. (He could also break down walls, like I would surely be doing, seeing as how at 39, many would think I’m past my pierogie prime.) :)
I know it’s impossible to go straight to the top, but an opportunity like this can’t get much closer. While I can’t promise I can regularly lift 40 pounds or that I can obtain all the clearances cited in your listing, I can promise you that no one will run harder, simmer more aromatically, and brown more golden than this “kid” who is finally getting his chance to shine like the buttered noodle he’s been all along.
References and VHS copies of grade school talent shows provided upon request.
Warmly (get it?),