Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love 

Before she can respond to your ask, invite her to say ‘no.’

I am a 38-year-old lesbian, very femme, very out. I have a coworker I can’t figure out. We’ve worked together for a year and gotten very close. I never want to put out the wrong signals to coworkers, and I err on the side of keeping a safe but friendly distance. This is different. We are each other’s confidants at work. We stare at each other across the office, we text until late at night, and we go for weekend dog walks. Her texts aren’t overtly flirty, but they are intimate and feel more than friendly. I’ve never had a “straight” girl act like this toward me. Is she into me? Or just needy? Is it all in my head?

Workplace Obsession Roiling Knowing-If-Nervous Gal

Five weeks ago, a letter-writer jumped down my throat for giving advice to lesbians despite not being a lesbian myself. Questions from lesbians have been pouring in ever since — lesbians apparently don’t like being told who they may or may not ask for advice. Three weeks ago, I responded to a man whose coworker asked him if he might want to sleep with the coworker’s wife and people jumped down my throat for entertaining the idea because it is NEVER EVER NEVER EVER OK to sleep with a coworker and/or a coworker’s spouse. And now here I am responding to a question from a lesbian who wants to sleep with a coworker. Farewell to my mentions, as the kids say.

Here we go. 

Your straight-identified workmate could be straight, or she could be a lesbian (lots of lesbians come out later in life), or she could be bisexual (most bisexual women are closeted, and others are perceived to be straight despite their best efforts to identify as bisexual) — and lots of late-in-lifers and/or closeted folks don’t come out until some hot same-sex prospect works up the nerve to ask them out. If your coworker isn’t currently under you at work and you’re not an imminent promotion away from becoming her supervisor and your company doesn’t incentivize workplace romances by banning them, ask your coworker out on a date — an unambiguous ask for a date, not an appointment to meet up at the dog park. And this is important: Before she can respond to your ask, invite her to say “no” if the answer is no, or “straight” if the identity is straight. Good luck!

I’m a lesbian, and my partner recently reconnected with a childhood friend; his pushy behavior really gets to me. He texts her at all hours — and when he can’t get in touch with her, he bugs me. When I refused to go on a trip with him and his husband, he guilt-tripped me for weeks. He constantly wants us to come to his house, but they’re chain-smokers. He also wants to officiate at our upcoming wedding! My partner won’t stand up for me when I say no to this guy. How can I get my partner to listen to me or get her friend to leave me be?

Can’t Think Of A Clever Acronym

Burn it down, CTOACA. Call or email your partner’s old friend and tell him you think he’s a pushy, unpleasant and smelly and that you don’t want to hang out with him — not at his place, not on a trip and not at your wedding, which he not only won’t be officiating but, if you had your druthers, he wouldn’t be attending. That should do it.

I’m a 40-year-old lesbian in Alabama, and I work with a woman I find impossible to resist. The catch is she’s 66, straight, and has two children. I love her deeply, she loves me, but we don’t have sex. The odd thing is that she vacillates between heavily making out with me every time we are alone together and saying, “No, I can’t, I’m straight!” Why does she do everything but sex if she’s straight?

Feeling Really Unsure Since This Remarkably Amazing Temptress Entered Domain

That nice straight lady from work is making out with you because she likes it, or she’s making out with you because she wants you in her life and believes — perhaps mistakenly — that this is the only way to hold your interest/fuel your obsession. If she likes it, then she’s a lesbian or bisexual, but so invested in her heterosexual identity that she can’t “go there.” If she’s making out with you only because she’s lonely and values your friendship and/or enjoys the ego boost of being your obsession, then you don’t want to keep making out with her — for her sake and for your own sake.

I’m a woman in my early 60s with a healthy lifestyle and an even healthier libido. I’ve had almost exclusively hetero relationships, but I’ve been attracted to women all my life and all of my fantasies involve women. The older I get, the more I think about a relationship with a woman. The thought of being in love with a woman, making love with her, sharing a life with her — it all sounds like heaven. The trouble is that it’s really hard to see how I’ll meet women who would be interested in me. There’s rarely anyone my age on dating apps. I don’t even know what age range is reasonable. What’s a reasonable age difference for women with women? Also, who is going to be interested in a rookie? Advice?

Energetic Lonely Dame Envisioning Relationship

There are lots of lesbians out there in relationships with significant age gaps — and at least one lesbian in Alabama who desperately wants to be in one. So don’t let the lack of older women on dating apps prevent you from putting yourself out there on apps and elsewhere, ELDER. As for your rookie status, there are two examples of lesbians pining over rookies in this very column!

And remember: If you put yourself out there, you might be alone a year from now — but if you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll definitely be alone a year from now.

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