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Savage Love

“She’ll probably guess what you have to tell her before you get the words out.”

I’m a 33-year-old straight guy with a small dick. I have a girlfriend of seven years. When we met, I was really insecure and she had to spend a lot of time reassuring me that it didn’t matter — she loved my dick, sex with me was great, it was big enough for her, etc. I broke up with her once because I didn’t think she should settle for someone so small. After some hugely painful nights and another near breakup, we are in a good place. We have lots of great vanilla sex, we love being together, and we recently got engaged. After everything I put her through, how do I tell her that being mocked (and worse) for having a small dick is the only thing I ever think about when I masturbate? I want a woman to punish me emotionally and physically for having such a small and inadequate dick. There’s porn about my kink, but I didn’t discover it until long after I was aware of my interest. I’ve never been able to bring myself to tell anyone about my kink. How do I tell this woman? I basically bullied her into telling me that my dick was big enough — and now I want her to tell me it isn’t big enough. But do I really want her to? I’ve never actually experienced the kind of insulting comments and physical punishments that I fantasize about. What if the reality is shattering?

Tense In New York

“I was in a similar situation years ago with my then-girlfriend, now-wife,” says TP. “I was too chicken to tell her about my fetish and worried she wasn’t satisfied with my size, so I didn’t want to bring more attention to it. I eventually went to a pro Domme and felt guilty about doing it behind my girlfriend’s back.”

TP, which stands for Tiny Prick, is a prominent member of the SPH (small-penis humiliation) fetish scene. TP is active on Twitter (@deliveryboy4m) and maintains a blog devoted to SPH (his passion) and animal rights (which his Domme is passionate about) at

“I got really lucky because I found the Domme I’ve been serving for more than 10 years,” said TP. “It was my Domme who encouraged me to bring up my kinks with my wife. I only wish I had told my wife earlier. She hasn’t turned into a stereotypical dominatrix, but she was open to incorporating some SPH play into our sex life.”

According to TP, TINY, you’ve already laid the groundwork for the successful incorporation of SPH into your sex life: You’re having good, regular and satisfying vanilla sex with your partner.

“TINY’s partner is happy with their sex life, so he knows he can satisfy a woman,” said TP. “That will help to separate the fantasy of the humiliation from the reality of their strong relationship.”

When you’re ready to broach the subject with the fiancée, TINY, I recommend starting with both an apology (“I’m sorry again for what I put you through”) and a warning (“This is probably going to come as a bit of a shock”). Then tell her you have a major kink, tell her she has a right to know about it before you marry, tell her that most people’s kinks are wrapped up with their biggest fears and anxieties … and she’ll probably guess what you have to tell her before you get the words out.

“He should explain to her that he doesn’t want to be emotionally hurt as much as he wants to feel exposed and vulnerable, and that can be a thrill,” said TP. “It can be hard for people to understand how humiliation can be fun. But humiliation play is one way to add a new dynamic to their sexual relationship."

I have a health question/problem. About a week-and-a-half ago, the wife and I had sex. Being the genius that I am, I got the idea to put two condoms on because I thought it would help me last longer. (Spoiler alert: It didn’t.) But I guess the condoms were too tight, and climaxing hurt quite a bit. It’s like I duct-taped the tip of my penis shut and tried to blow a load. Even days after, the left side of my penis head was really sensitive and it hurt. It’s still too sensitive to touch from time to time. I have a doctor’s appointment, but it’s two weeks away. I’m a little worried I may have hurt my prostate or urethra or something. From my basic Googling, there doesn’t seem to be any medical advice about this. Help please?

Penile Problem Possessor

“The application of an external constriction to the penis did potentially cause the pressure in the urethra to rise, possibly traumatically, during ejaculation,” says Dr. Keith D. Newman, a urologist, a fellow of the American College of Surgeons, and a regular guest expert in Savage Love.

In other words, PPP, somehow those two condoms conspired to dam up your piss slit — a.k.a. your urethral meatus — and the force of your impeded ejaculation damn near blew off your cock.

“We sometimes see a similar phenomenon occur with people who wear constriction bands or cock rings that are too tight and try to either urinate or ejaculate with the ring on,” says Newman. “The result is a traumatic stretch of the urethra and microscopic tears in the lining of the urethra (mucosa). This disruption in the lining allows for electrolytes in the urine (particularly potassium) to stimulate the nerves in the layer beneath the lining (submucosa), thereby creating a chronic dull ache, such as PPP describes.”

Your urethra should heal just fine in time — within a couple of weeks — but there are meds and other interventions if you’re still in pain a few weeks from now. “The bottom line is never impede urination or ejaculation by obstructing the urethra,” says Newman.

On the Lovecast, sex blogger Ella Dawson on the herpes stigma: @fakedansavage on Twitter

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