Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

“A couple that met in a sex dungeon will say they met doing a team-building exercise at a work retreat.”

There’s this boy  —  he’s 29; I’m 46 and female. We met when we were 23 and 41. I was not and am not into little boys. The Kid chased me, and I turned him down for months — until I got drunk one night and caved. It was supposed to be a one-night stand, but it isn’t anymore. We’ve never been “together,” because the Kid wants kids and happily ever after and all that horseshit, and I don’t (and I’m too old even if I did). The Kid has been in several relationships over the years, looking for The One, and I genuinely hope he finds her. But in the meantime, the Kid runs to me when he hits a hiccup in a relationship, and I let him — meaning, he gets mad at her and fucks me madly. Afterward, I get him to talk about it — he tells me what happened, and I always try to advise him how to make it better, how to make it work. But so far it hasn’t, and we’re “us” again until he meets another girl. I’m afraid that I’m giving him a reason not to work on these relationships and he will never find the kids/forever thing he’s looking for. Should I let him go for his own sake? 

Don’t Call Me Cougar

I don’t see any conflict between what the Kid says he wants in the long run — kids and happily ever after and all that horseshit — and the things his actions indicate he wants now, i.e., your rear and your ear. He’s young, he hasn’t met a woman he could see himself with for the long haul, and he appears to be in no rush — he can have his first kid next year or 20 years from now.

And the meantime, DCMC, he has you.

Here’s where I detect some conflict between statements and actions: The fact that you keep fucking the Kid while he’s technically still with other women is a pretty good indication that you’re not ready to let go of him either. So going forward, maybe you should offer the Kid your advice when he’s seeing someone, fuck the shit out of him when he’s single, and don’t waste too much time worrying about whether fucking you incentivizes being single. Because single/you may be what he wants right now.

If I first met someone on a hookup site or at a sex party and then we start seeing each other, what’s the best way to explain how we met when we’re at a social event and people ask?

Torrid Revelations Undermining Totally Honesty

The truth is always nice — and in your case, TRUTH, telling the truth about your relationship could be constructive.

There are a lot of people out there in loving committed relationships (LCR) that had crazy sleazy starts (CSS). But very few people in a LCR with a CSS tell the truth when asked how they met. A couple who met at a sex party will say they met at a dinner party; a couple that met inside a cage in a sex dungeon will say they met doing a team-building exercise at a work retreat.

These lies are understandable: People don’t want to be judged or shamed. But when a CSS couple lies about how they met, TRUTH, they reinforce the very shame and stigma that made them feel like they had to lie in the first place. And they play into the sex-negative, self-defeating assumption made by singles who attend sex parties and spend time in cages — these single people who do sleazy things often refuse to date the people they meet at sex parties, etc., because they believe no LCR ever had a CSS. If couples that had sleazy starts told the truth about themselves, singles would be less likely to rule out dating people they met sleazily.

I despised your advice to LIBIDOS, the poly married woman who you counseled to have sex with her husband even though she has zero desire to do so. You came close to telling her to throw away her consent. Somewhere between a third and half of women have been sexually assaulted. Would it be possible for most of them to suck it up and sleep with someone they had no desire for without ending up resenting or hating that person? Even if LIBIDOS won life’s coin toss on sexual assault, she would most likely come to resent her husband if she had passionless sex with him. From the husband’s perspective, wouldn’t being lied to in this way ruin him? The truth is really the only solution here. The road you set this woman down leads only to bitterness and divorce.

Seriously Horrified About That

LIBIDOS, a poly woman with a boyfriend (whom she’s fucking) and a husband (whom no one is fucking) asked me if she should “force” herself to fuck her husband. She also mentioned having a kid and not wanting to get divorced. And it was my opinion — an opinion she sought out — that she might wanna fuck her husband once in a while. Advice isn’t binding arbitration, SHAT, and if fucking her husband is a traumatizing ordeal, as opposed to a dispiriting chore, she should ignore my advice and keep not fucking her husband. And seeing as LIBIDOS asked me whether she should fuck her husband, it seemed safe to assume that she was open to the idea.

You weren’t the only reader to take me to task for my advice to LIBIDOS. Apparently, there are lots of people out there who don’t realize how many long-marrieds — men and women, gay and straight, poly and mono — fuck their spouses out of a grim sense of duty. It seems a bit extreme to describe that kind of sex as a consent-free/sexual-assault-adjacent trauma. Choosing in the absence of coercion to go through the marital motions to keep your spouse happy is rarely great sex, but slapping the nonconsensual label on joyless-but-trauma-free marital sex is neither helpful nor accurate.

On the Lovecast, Emily Bazelon and Mistress Matisse on decriminalizing prostitution:

Comments (0)

Add a comment