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Savage Love

Men aren’t subjected to male sexual violence at the same rates that women are.

Straight male, 48, married 14 years, three kids under age 10. Needless to say, life is busy at our house. My wife and I have stopped having sex. It was my decision. I get the obligation vibe combined with a vanilla sex life, and it just turns me off. For the past two months, I’ve tried to just push sex out of my mind. We live mostly as parenting roommates. We used to be pretty kinky — dirty talk, foursomes, toys, porn, etc. — but all those things wear her out now, and her interest has disappeared. My guess is that she was just playing along with my kinks to keep me happy and is now over it. Is this just life as a 48-year-old married father of three? 

Hard Up Husband

In answer to your question: Infrequent and underwhelming sex, sometimes with an obligatory vibe, is not only the sex life a 48-year-old married father of three can expect, it’s the sex life he signed up for. 

My advice: masturbate more, masturbate together more, lower your expectations so you’ll be pleasantly surprised when a joint masturbation session blows up into something bigger and better, carve out enough time for quality sex, discuss other accommodations/contingencies as needed, and take turns reminding each other that small kids aren’t small forever.

I’m one of those bi guys. I had trouble dating girls in high school and, at 18, I found guys so much darn easier. And as sexual promiscuity in the gay world goes, I got around there easily. Fast-forward a few years. I’m in college now and desiring women and stability more. But women find me weird and awkward — I admit I am — something I was never judged for in the gay world. This has been going on for a few years now, and it just gets worse when I’m supposed to be parading around presenting as a horny straight guy. Lately I’ve just been sitting on my hands in social situations, afraid to even interact with women. Is this therapy-worthy?

Upset Pittsburgher In Troubling Times

Therapy couldn’t hurt … unless you get a terrible therapist … in which case it could. Start your therapist hunt at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, and you’re likelier to find a good/sex-positive one.

As for why your “weird and awkward” first impression seemed to be less of an impediment when you were sleeping with men: Men aren’t subjected to male sexual violence at the same rates that women are. Women have a lot more to fear than men do, UPITT, and a weird-and-awkward first impression is far likelier to turn off a woman into dudes than it is to turn off a man into dudes. The man you flirt with at a party might think, “Dude’s weird and awkward but he’s hot,” and jump into bed with you. But the woman you flirt with at a party is likely to think, “Dude’s weird and awkward and he’s hot, but he’s just too weird to risk it.”

Something else that couldn’t hurt: getting on a site like OkCupid and approaching bisexual women there. You may have better luck with women if your initial interactions are over email.

And finally, UPITT, there are gay and bi men out there who desire stability, too — and stability and “promiscuity” aren’t mutually exclusive.

About your answer to WHAT, the lady whose boyfriend “accidentally” ass-fucked her. I am a queer lady with a number of men in my sexual history, and I have many straight women friends who get around. “I didn’t mean to stick my dick in your ass” is a lie that men tell — men who are embarrassed to ask for anal, men who want it so bad they’re prepared to hurt their partner, or men who think their partner will say no if asked and just don’t care. In all cases, these are men who do not even begin to understand how anal sex works. As you say, it’s not an accident. But what you don’t say is that these men are telling lies in order to get out of taking responsibility for their desires and the fact that they’ve hurt their partners. Men who want to have anal sex need to talk that through with their partners and then either figure out how to do it safely and pleasurably or break up if it’s a deal-breaker. I have had way too many conversations with women friends about the pain and anger and sometimes shame that they’ve felt when male partners have just stuck it in abruptly, unlubricated and without permission. It makes me really angry that this is something that men can describe as an “accident” without any pushback, and honestly it was kind of gross and disappointing when your answer was just jokes about butt plugs.

Whatever Acronym Strongly Stresses Underlying Point

I’m with you, WASSUP. I don’t think anal happens by accident. Anal has always, in my vast experience, required lube, focus, precision and deep breathing. But on the two occasions when I’ve urged straight female callers on the Savage Lovecast to dump boyfriends who “accidentally” penetrated them anally, scores of people called in to insist that anal can and does happen by accident.

WHAT’s boyfriend has accidentally penetrated her anally four times in a year. That raises a red flag. But WHAT was convinced it was an accident (all four times) and seemed to think her boyfriend felt genuinely terrible about it (all four times), and I deferred to a reader’s POV (just one time). And here’s a detail that was cut from WHAT’s letter for space: “People have suggested going slow, but I like it a little rough.” Perhaps I should’ve come down harder on WHAT’s boyfriend — OK, I should’ve come down harder — but it seemed possible, at least in WHAT’s case, that anal might’ve been an accident (all four times?!?).

I still believe “accidental anal” is much more likely to be “intentional, nonconsensual anal,” a.k.a. not an accident at all.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Anna Pulley about all things lesbian:

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