Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

People who are into humiliation scenes want to be in control until the scene starts.

I'm a gay male into puppy play. About a year ago, I joined a pack with one Sir and several puppies. I became very close to one of my "pup bros" and became his alpha — meaning between the two of us, I'm more Dom but still sub to our Sir. The pack has fallen apart due to each of us going through relationship troubles. My pup bro, let's call him Fido, breaks up with his open-relationship boyfriend. I bring up the idea of dating. He admits he's considered it but is unsure. A bit later, he tells me: "I love you, but I'm not ready for a commitment." But a couple weeks later, he tells me that a Dom on the opposite coast wants to collar him. I have tried to respect their connection, but he's started pulling away, saying that certain things (sex and cuddles) with me feel too much like "boyfriends." To really make me feel like shit, I opened Fido's Scruff profile because he updated his pic, and his profile says he's looking "for a guy to cuddle with, laugh with, spend adventures with," i.e., everything we used to do before he pulled away. Am I deluding myself? I thought this was a "not yet" situation.

Pensive Upset Puppy

Strip away the puppy masks, the alpha/beta pack dynamics, and the Doms, and what are we left with? Another dumped motherfucker who doesn't know that he's been dumped.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't a "not yet" situation. It's a "not ever" situation. When someone you've fallen for says, "I'm not ready for a commitment," what they mean is "I have no interest in committing to you." Fido gave you a standard-issue brush-off line, one that the hopeful, naive and deluded frequently fail to recognize. Your ex-packmate should've had the balls to go with something unambiguous like "You're nice, we had some good times, but I'm not interested in pursuing anything further." But he didn't, and as an adult person/puppy on the dating/scritching scene, it's your job to hear, "I'm not interested in you" whenever someone says, "I'm not ready for a commitment" or "It's not you, it's me" or "I have to focus on my studies/work/remodel."

The same goes anytime an "I love you" is followed by a "but." When someone says, "I love you but," it's your job to hear, "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't feel about you the way you do about me."

Happily married straight woman here, just post-hysterectomy. No penis-in-vagina sex allowed for a few weeks. My question: Husband is well-endowed, and sex has often included his cock repeatedly touching my cervix. With no cervix anymore, though, will there be enough room in my remodeled space for his whole cock? Once I'm fully healed from surgery, will the vaginal tissue stretch?

Very Agitated Generally

"When a person has a hysterectomy, the cervix is often removed and the end of the vagina is closed so it's an internal pouch, essentially," said Dr. Leah Torres, an ob-gyn practicing in Utah with a special interest in reproductive health. "The bottom line: Vaginas are elastic and should be able to accommodate a variety of things of all shapes and sizes, even after a hysterectomy. That said, people who are menopausal (no periods for 12 months or more) or who have had their ovaries removed (which may or may not happen during a hysterectomy) no longer have estrogen."

Estrogen, among other wonderful things, keeps vaginas elastic and lubricated. "Without estrogen, sometimes the vagina can feel dry and intercourse can be painful," said Torres. "For someone without estrogen and experiencing VAG's concerns, I would recommend using lubrication with intercourse (when the time comes) and possibly vaginal estrogen cream while the vagina ‘readjusts.' It's also important for the partner to realize that the vagina may feel a bit different and there may be some adjustments to new sensations. Patience and a steady-as-she-goes attitude are best."

Patience and a steady-as-she-goes attitude — two things we should all bring to any sexual encounter.

Follow Dr. Torres on Twitter @LeahNTorres. Her website is

My boyfriend is turned on by CFNM — clothed female, naked male — and his "ultimate fantasy" is to be naked in a room of fully-clothed women. So I asked four (adventurous) female friends if they would come to a small party where my boyfriend would be naked. When I told him his ultimate fantasy would be coming true, he said I had no right to share this information and he felt humiliated and exposed. (Humiliated and exposed — I thought that was the whole point of CFNM?!?) He was so angry, he barely spoke to me for a week, and then today he asked me when the party is going to happen! All I want to do now is slap him!

Wants To Flip

Tell him the party is off, absent an apology and an explanation from him. But you should open with an apology of your own: Tell him you should've checked with him before setting up the party, and apologize for freaking him out. People who are into humiliation scenes want to be in control until the scene starts, i.e., involved in negotiations and setup, and actively consenting.

I was disappointed by your response to DOMME in last week's column. She was the woman whose husband wouldn't go down on her. DOMME stated — or her friend suggested — that cunnilingus is something that "mostly submissive men enjoy." The misconception that concern for women's pleasure is "submissive" seems like part of DOMME's problem, and you should have corrected her.

Enjoys Oral, Not Submissive

You're right: I should've slapped down the idea that only submissive men are into eating pussy. I rolled my eyes pretty hard when I read that line, but I really should've used my fingers to bang out a sentence or two refuting that notion. Mea culpa.

On the Lovecast, sex at Burning Man:

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