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Savage Love

A majority of sex-for-sex's-sake types are hoping to leverage it into something more at some point.

I'm a straight guy who's been in an open relationship for six years. I often seek out extracurricular activities, but I am unsure of how to bring up my situation. I wrote to a seduction blogger who often writes about open relationships, and his advice was to not mention it until I've had sex with the girl a few times. This feels contrary to my nature, but is it the better method? Many of my "potentials" have been scared away when they learn of my relationship status.

Straightforward Honesty Offends Potentials

If your goal is to maximize the amount of pussy in your life without regard for the feelings of the women attached to those pussies, then you should take the advice of the blogger. But if you wanna be a decent dude who gets more than enough pussy — and "enough is as good as a feast," as Mary Poppins says —you'll listen to me.

Tell "potentials" after the third hang/date/whatever. Let them get to know you a bit, then spill — before fucking but after they've made a small emotional investment in you. They'll be more likely to reconsider prejudices they may have against guys in open relationships after they've gotten to know a semi-straightforward one, and perhaps be less quick to slam the door.

But unless it's a clear case of drunken-one-night-stand/NSA encounter, no lying by omission. There are lots of single people seeking sex for sex's sake, but a majority of sex-for-sex's-sake types are hoping to leverage it into something more at some point. And most single people make the assumption that the people they're fucking are also single — otherwise they wouldn't be fucking them, right? If you neglect to inform the women you fuck that you're not single or emotionally available (you're in an open relationship, not a poly one), you are taking advantage — and needlessly! There are plenty of women in open and/or poly relationships, as well as women who are looking only for sex. While you might have to work harder to find these women, you'll have better sex with less drama — and you'll spend fewer millennia in Purgatory burning off your sins.

I'm a straight woman, and I've been with my male partner for four years. The sex has gotten better in the sense that I orgasm a much greater percentage of the time now that he knows what I like. But in the service of that, we've fallen into a "tried-and-true" rut. I try to switch it up sometimes, and I surprised him with some sexy lingerie last night... and I got self-conscious, started to worry about whether I'd get off, and then didn't come. My feeling is that I should not worry about my orgasms and focus on spice and variety, but I think that if we go too many times without me coming, it might be a downer for his boner, too. So which do we give preference to: variety or orgasms?

Rutting Or Undertaking Totally Interesting New Experiences?

Your "tried-and-true" repertoire may feel like a rut, ROUTINE, but it's a successful rut. You both enjoy the sex, and you come more often than you used to. There are worse problems.

My advice would be to relax and give yourself permission to not come when you're trying something new. Remind yourself that new things you both enjoy will be incorporated into your routine. And when things that work for you both join the ranks of the tried-and-true, you'll be able to come while doing them.

And you don't have to stop doing the shit that works now. Let's say you try something new on Wednesday night, and you enjoy yourself but you don't come. So the next time you have sex, stick to the stuff that gets you there consistently.

My best friend has a girlfriend of two years. I've had a crush on him, but I never made any advances. We did have a threesome with a girl in March — he was broken up with his girlfriend at the time — but it was all about the girl and nothing happened between us guys. He got back with his girlfriend after that. Then last month, he and I had sex. We had been drinking, he initiated it, and neither of us came. It was awkward, and we didn't talk for a week. Then we bumped into each other, and had sex again. Three weeks ago, we did it again. The next day, he said the "gay sex stuff" had to stop. He said he felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend. But later that night, he seemed to be on the verge of initiating again. Could he be developing feelings? I can tell he's had sex with a guy before — it slid in pretty easy and he kept saying how good it felt.

Boys Easing Sex Tension Secretly

Maybe it would help if you told your friend that you're not having gay sex — you're having hot bi sex, just without an accommodating/exonerating girl present. As for what to do ...

You might wanna look around for another guy — maybe even a gay one — to have a crush on. But I'm not going to push you to do that, because it's clear that you've got feelings for this guy, and at the very least he's got Feelings While Drunk for you. And while I should probably scold you both for fucking around behind his girlfriend's back, I have a hunch that you're teenagers and/or very young adults. So you're getting a pass because this kind of bullshit is often a necessary rite of passage for kids who are still figuring out who they are, what they want and who they can trust. But I predict this will end badly, and you will one day look back on the bi three-ways and gay two-ways and be deeply, deeply embarrassed. But in the meantime, enjoy sliding in.

On the Savage Lovecast, hear Dan and YouTube sensation Arielle Scarcella go full lesbian:

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