Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love 

Teenagers are waiting longer to have sex, and nearly 40 percent of 18-year-olds of both sexes are not yet sexually active.

Come Saturday, I will be a high school grad! The only thing I'm worried about besides my hopes and dreams, and making it in the real world? My sex life. I'm a virgin. When I go online, I see all my friends and peers having awesome, smoking-hot sex lives. I am obsessed with this guy in my class. Like all teenage-girl crushes, I can't get him out of my head. Would it be weird to ask him to hook up at a post-graduation party? I don't care if my first time is with someone "special," I just feel like if I don't say something to him now, I'll never get a chance to have sex at all, ever.

Does It Get Sexier?

First, some research shows a link between time spent on social media and depression. The issue seems to be people comparing what they know of their own lives — which are messy and sometimes painful — with the idealized portrait others create of their own lives on Facebook, etc. While your friends might appear to have awesome, fun-filled lives on Facebook, their lived reality likely includes as many sads and fails as yours.

Something else to bear in mind: Teenagers are waiting longer to have sex, according to the Guttmacher Institute, and nearly 40 percent of 18-year-olds of both sexes are not yet sexually active. So you are not a freak. Your friends and peers might tell you they're sexually active — or their Facebook posts might imply it— but the data tells us (and I'm telling you) that some of your friends are liars.

Finally, you will have other chances to have sex, with other people. But I think you should make a pass at this boy — if not for the sexual experience, then for the experience of making the pass. Make it an honest, straightforward and explicit pass. ("I've had such a crush on you, and this is crazy, but fuck me maybe?") If he's interested, tell him you're a virgin, condoms are required, and you'd rather do it sober or soberish. If he's not interested, that'll suck. But you'll have an opportunity to practice handling rejection with grace ("Well, I still think you're a great guy, and I hope things won't be awkward between us") and you'll see that rejection isn't the end of the world — or the end of boys, either. Good luck!

I was combing through some old columns/podcasts and came upon a few instances where you counseled women on selling their used underwear online. Is there a market for used men's underwear? I would happily earn a few bucks selling my old boxer briefs.

Undie Noob Desiring Interesting Extra Salary

Duncan Black — the gay porn star and male escort (, not the liberal blogger ( — does a brisk business selling his used jocks and briefs online. No offense to anyone, but I don't think Blog Duncan could move as many units of dirty underpants as Porn Duncan. The more people who want into your pants, and the more sexualized your public image, the more people will pay to get their hands on a pair of dirty underpants. So unless you're conventionally hot and willing to put yourself out there (show your handsome face and hot body online), you aren't going to move many units.

I love my girlfriend, but she might be a lesbian. She's dated women in the past, hits on women when she's drunk and has made out with at least two female friends in the last year. Most troubling is that despite many honest conversations, she won't/can't be sexual with me. I know what you're going to say: Tell her what my needs are, and if she can't meet them, ask for an open relationship. But that conversation is harder to have than I think you realize. Although it's hard to see her hit on women/make out with her girlfriends when we aren't being sexual, I love her more than I can say. My questions: (1) Is it unfair to ask her to define her sexuality? (2) Am I overthinking this? (3) Are the behaviors I've described normal?

Helping Evaluate Lesbian Preference

1. You know what's unfair? Hitting on other people — men, women, whatever — in front of the boyfriend/girlfriend/whateverfriend you can't bring yourself to fuck. Your girlfriend is being unfair, and you have to stop making rationalizations for her behavior. She could be a lesbian, bi or the kind of straight woman who has relationships with other women, hits on them when drunk and makes out with them biannually. (That kind of straight woman is called a "closeted lesbian.") But defining her sexuality won't change this fact: She has no interest in fucking you. Not into men, not into you — what difference does it make? That rumbling sound you heard a moment ago was millions of Savage Love readers mumbling "DTMFA" as they read your letter. Take their advice.

2. Yes, you are overthinking this. You've spent too much time thinking about how to make this relationship work, when you should be thinking about how to extricate yourself from it.

3. Are we talking about her behavior or yours? Her behavior is normal — for scared and closeted lesbians with security-blanket boyfriends they can't let go of. Your behavior isn't normal — because very few people would swallow the shit she's been feeding you.

My fiancé came home, and his beard smelled like pussy. He denied having his face in someone else's business. Is there anything else it could have been?

Sick In Minneapolis

I have no idea what pussy smells like, as I've never had my face in that business. So I can't tell you what else it could've been — Clamato? Caramel corn? Crème brûlée? But I'm running your letter in the hopes that otherwise-cute hipster boys will be inspired to shave off their ugly beards to escape justified or unjustified accusations of infidelity.

On the Lovecast, Dan and a global-health doctor talk about the pros and cons of Truvada:


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