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Savage Love 

Someone can be "open to new things" without being "open to everything."

I'm a 26-year-old lesbian 18 months out of an eight-year relationship. I do not want to be in another monogamous relationship. I want to have a couple of sex buddies or, preferably, a couple of friends with benefits. In the last 18 months, I have had three FWB "arrangements" with different girls. The problem is, about two or three months in, each girl developed serious feelings and began talking about wanting to be with me exclusively. Each time, I had to reiterate my feelings and wound up feeling like an asshole. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I told them the situation from the start. Am I a bad person? Or are FWB impossible?

Fears Wilting Boundaries

Friends-with-benefits arrangements might not be committed relationships, but they are relationships and — you might want to sit down for this — people have been known to develop feelings for folks they're fucking on a regular basis. So if "a relationship" is something you want to avoid, and you don't want anyone developing feelings, you should have one-night stands or NSA sex instead. (Those are also relationships, in my opinion, but they're extremely short-term ones.)

On to your questions: You are not a bad person. FWB are not impossible — there are a lot of successful FWB arrangements — and a desire for exclusivity or a future together is not proof someone entered into a FWB arrangement under false pretenses. And reiterating your disinterest in a committed relationship isn't assholery.

I tend bar with a hot girl who has a boyfriend. Hit on her anyway because I'm that guy. She says I can fuck her, but only if her boyfriend gets to watch and eat her out after. I was down for some traditional cheating, not this kinky shit. But I'd still like to fuck this girl. Any advice?

Blue-Balled Baller


I'm a 28-year-old straight female. I've only ever been able to orgasm if I self-induce while alone or if I'm on top during sex with a guy and my clit is being rubbed on the guy's abdomen. (This works best with bigger guys.) When there is no abdomen rubbing my clit, I fake it. Do you have any suggestions?

Wants Real Orgasms

You're having real orgasms, WRO. When your clit is fully engaged — using your hands or toys, rubbing against the abdomen of a big guy — you get off. Some women's clits are fully engaged during intercourse without any extra effort (they can come "just" from fucking), but they're in the minority. If climaxing during intercourse is important to you, you'll have to sleep with big guys exclusively, rub your own clit during sex or instruct skinny dudes to rub your clit for you.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We were long-distance for the first year-and-a-half. When we were long-distance, he complained that it was hard to have a relationship over the phone. Now that we're in the same city, he says our relationship has gone "stale" and he feels "trapped." I'm sick of his complaining. Does he want to be with me? What is he really trying to say?

Confusing Lad Is Nagging Girl

"I'm intolerable and you should break up with me."

My fiancé is 35 years old. Between the ages of 20 and 30, he was in and out of jail. He has admitted that while in prison, he had sex with a [trans woman]. I know he loves having sex with [cis] women, but I found out that he watches [a porn genre that features trans women who have penises]. To be fair, he watches tons of porn featuring [cis] women. He loves watching [cis] women and having sex with [cis] women. My worry is that he wants to have sex with [trans women]. Is this a legitimate worry?

Fiancé Lusts After [Trans Women] Hottie

You would be foolish to waste time wondering whether your fiancé wants to have sex with trans women, as it's clear he does. The question is: Can your fiancé be trusted to honor the monogamous commitment he's (presumably) about to make to you? Or is he going to cheat with other trans or cis women? If you trust that he'll honor the commitment, his taste in porn and his fantasies about other partners is irrelevant.

I'm a married straight man. My wife and I have been married for five years. I thought my wife was GGG, so six months ago I brought up my desire to wear lingerie — she did not react well. We struggled a bit but gradually got back to normal, with me just not mentioning it again. My birthday is in May, so I proposed a weekend of indulgence of my fetish as a birthday present. I thought that would be easy enough to accommodate. I got totally and uncomfortably denied. I'm at a loss: I don't want to destroy a marriage over a small sexual interest, but I don't want to be locked into vanilla sex forever. Any advice on getting her to come around?

Partner Against Nighties That Intrigue Eager Spouse

Someone can be "open to new things" without being "open to everything." So your wife might be up for exploring other sexual kinks, positions and circumstances, but seeing you in panties could be a "libido killer," a term coined by Emily "Dear Prudence" Yoffe. If that's the case, PANTIES, she may never come around. But if it's just something she hasn't had time to wrap her head around, your best course of action is to drop the subject for now. Let the wife see that your interest isn't all-consuming and you still enjoy vanilla sex in gender-conforming underpants, and indulging this particular kink may come to seem less threatening.

Where can straight women find men who won't make odd sexual requests?

Dumped One Again


On the Lovecast, Dan chats with graphic novelist Ellen Forney about dating when you're bipolar:


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