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Savage Love

Biphobia will thrive so long as most bisexuals remain closeted.

I've heard your calls for bisexuals to come out to their friends and family, and I think it's a great idea. But I'm not sure I classify as "bisexual." I'm a 40-year-old guy who strongly prefers sex with women to men. I've had sex with dudes in the past (five or six times) and loved it, though I've never had the same emotional attachment that I've had with women. Most people seem to think that bisexuals are equally attracted to both genders — sexually and emotionally. So am I bisexual or just a juicy boner hobbyist?

Just Understanding Identity Causing Erotic Delirium

A quick word about my calls for bisexuals to come out to their friends and family ...

Bisexuals complain about anti-bi stereotypes and misconceptions — about biphobia and bi-erasure — and quite rightly. It's awful, it sucks, it's gotta stop. But just as coming out has been the most effective way to combat homophobia, coming out is the most effective way to combat biphobia. And while 77 percent of gay men and 71 percent of lesbians are out to "most of the important people in their lives," according to a 2014 Pew Research survey, only 28 percent of bisexuals are.

Some argue that most bisexuals won't feel safe enough to come out until straight and gay people get over their biphobia. That's bullshit. Yes, biphobia makes it more difficult for bisexuals to come out — in the same way that homophobia makes it difficult for gays and lesbians to come out. The culture is less homophobic today, but that wouldn't be the case if gay people hadn't risked coming out when "insanely homophobic" was the near-universal default setting.

I've been accused of "blaming the victim" when I make this point. I'm not blaming bisexuals for biphobia any more than I'm blaming gay people for homophobia. But biphobia will thrive so long as most bisexuals remain closeted.

On to your question, JUICED: I get letters like yours every day. Guys tell me they enjoy fucking men and women but they're not interested in relationships with men. Some aren't even into kissing men — getting fucked by men, yes; swapping spit with men, no. These guys invariably say they're confused about their orientation. They know they're not straight, and they're pretty sure they can't be gay, but they're convinced they can't be bisexual — aren't bisexuals open to sex and relationships with men and women?

The popular definition of bisexuality, "someone who is equally attracted to men and women," excludes guys like you. But there's an improved definition coined by bisexual activist Robyn Ochs: "I call myself bisexual because ... I have in myself the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree."

So congratulations, you're bisexual. But that might not be all you are ...

"Of all of the bi guys I've known," gay journalist Charles Pulliam-Moore wrote in a post at Thought Catalog, "the majority have been what I would describe as bi-sexual but hetero-amorous. ... While they'd certainly get into some sweaty bro-on-bro action, guys simply couldn't provide the kind of emotional satisfaction necessary for a romantic relationship."

So if identifying as bisexual feels dishonest, say you're "bi but heteroamorous," and rest assured that you're not the only guy like you out there.

I am a 58-year-old gay man. I have never been attracted to women sexually. However, I stumbled across some trans man porn and was incredibly turned on. I would totally go down on or fuck a hot trans man. Am I still gay?

Transmen Have Ripped Open Wonted Notions

"I get this question all the time," says Buck Angel, a trans male porn star. "You are still gay, my friend. Trans men like myself who present ‘male' consider ourselves men. So THROWN is still attracted to a man — just one who happens to have a different set of ‘balls.' It does not make him any less gay. He's attracted to the masculinity of the trans man. Some people think that genitals are the deciding factor in gender. This is far from the truth! So don't stress it, and go have some fun!"

I'm a guy in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. Before I met him, I had a history of anonymous sex with men on Craigslist. I've recently been having urges to have anonymous sex again and urges that are hard to satisfy in a long-distance relationship. We tried an open relationship but it left us feeling unhappy. I'm only comfortable with both of us having anonymous hookups, while my boyfriend is only comfortable hooking up with people he knows.

Gay Boy Problems

Unless you guys have a concrete plan that lands you in the same city soon, your best course of action is to break up, do whatever/whoever you wanna do, keep in touch while sparing each other the details of your (now separate) sex lives, and then pick up where you left off if and when you're living in the same city.

If you can't bear the thought of breaking up and you can't resist your urges for immediate, in-person sexual contact, the second-best course of action is a don't ask/don't tell arrangement. You do whatever/whoever you wanna do (safely!), he does whatever/whoever he wants to do (safely!), while sparing each other the details.

The way your boyfriend wants to hook up — with people he knows — discomforts you, most likely because a familiar hookup could easily turn into a relationship, right? But the gay world is filled with couples in long-term relationships who met during anonymous or nearly anonymous sexual encounters. So demanding that your boyfriend adopt your preferred model of hooking up is no guarantee that he won't fall in love with someone else — or that you won't either.

On the Lovecast: How to answer the question "Honey, should I get breast implants?" at

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