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Savage Love

Sexual compatibility is hugely important: Prioritizing it doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm 21 and still a virgin. I also have depression. I'm not bad-looking. I work out and generally keep people laughing. I got a lot of female attention in school, but I was hopeless and still am. I feel myself becoming increasingly violent, to the extent that I have tried to provoke a fight and to intimidate other guys. I've been unemployed for three years since dropping out of college, and I haven't met a girl I was interested in since school. I've never made the first move with girls. I get a lot of eye contact from girls, and I've been approached by girls, but we barely ever get past exchanging names before they wander off or their friends pull them away. Writing this has made me realize I should start approaching girls, but I don't think it's just that.

Hopeless Over Painful Experience

Women typically expect the guy to do the asking out, HOPE, so that's something to work on. And if a woman is making eye contact with you in a space where people are generally open to meeting new people and potentially fucking them (house parties, bars, clubs, CPAC), eye contact is an invitation to introduce yourself.

But if women are approaching you and then "wandering off" after a moment or two — or being rescued by their friends — you're doing something wrong. I'm guessing you came across as angry and potentially violent because you are angry and potentially violent, and you've cultivated an intimidating vibe. You're never going to get anywhere with women — or employers — if you give yourself over to anger and violence.

Fifteen percent of 21-year-old men are virgins, while only 5 percent of 25-year-old men are. So you have a good chance of losing your virginity in the next few years if you can stop: (1) wallowing in self-pity, and (2) giving yourself over to anger.

Get your ass to a doctor and a therapist. Medication can help with the depression, and a good therapist can help you overcome your anger, self-pity and violent fantasies. Getting help is the best way to increase your odds of getting laid and/or getting a girlfriend.

I'm a bi girl, and I've been with a hetero guy for almost three years. I miss being with women. He still parties like he's in college and is a bit dependent on me socially, whereas I crave independence and, quite frankly, pussy. I've started to resent him, not just for the lack of sexual freedom but also because he drinks too much and acts like a slob. I want to move out when our lease ends. I'm willing to work on our issues, but I fear that after this conversation he will break up with me as a defensive approach, rather than seeing the breathing room as a way to work on our relationship. How can I express my need for other sexual partners and more space without sounding like I'm calling off the relationship?

Insert Quirky Acronym Here

Here's what you should say: "You've got some growing up to do, and I've got some eating pussy to do. I don't want to end our relationship, but I'm moving out when our lease is up." If your boyfriend breaks up with you, it's probably for the best — and it may not be forever. If he does dump you for defensive reasons, then he didn't really want to dump you at all, right? Once his anger subsides, your boyfriend may decide that having you in his life is more important than having you all to himself.

I am a heterosexual male. I was dating this girl for six months. We weren't living together, but there were two toothbrushes at my place, tampons and birth-control pills in my medicine cabinet, and yogurt in my fridge. Things were going well until she told me about a friend-of-a-friend who was building a website for a "swingers club." I didn't get outraged, and this outraged her. A four-hour discussion followed, during which I held my "good for them" ground. At the end of it, I no longer had a girlfriend. All I did was not get outraged, and it cost me a girlfriend. Does this seem extreme? Am I crazy?

Her Ex Looks Perplexed

You're not crazy. You're lucky.

Send that friend-of-a-friend a thank-you note. Because if he weren't building a website for a swingers club, you might still have tampons, yogurt and scented soaps in your apartment — along with the controlling, insecure nutjob who came with 'em.

During my last relationship, I got to explore the kinkier side of my libido. While the relationship was ill-fated, sex was not the problem. One year and some heartache later, I'm ready to date. But I don't want a vanilla sexual relationship again. People ask to set me up, and I keep turning them down 'cause I don't want to get involved with someone unless I know we're sexually compatible. Yet I feel some angst about using Fetlife or similar sites for dating, as if I'm making sex paramount.

Nervously Avoiding Intriguing Vanilla Entanglements

Sexual compatibility is hugely important, NAIVE: Prioritizing it doesn't make you a bad person. But the choice you've laid out — dating only kinksters you meet on Fetlife or girls your friends set you up with — is a false one. Date both. You'll have to establish emotional compatibility with a woman you meet via Fetlife, or sexual compatibility with a woman you meet via real life. There's work to do at the start of any relationship.

And don't assume a woman you meet through friends is gonna be vanilla. She met you through friends, and you're not vanilla, right?

It's a bad idea to give someone a laundry list of your kinks on the first date. Just say this when the conversation turns to sex: "I'm pretty sexually adventurous." There's a good chance you'll get a "me, too" in response.

On the Lovecast, Dan finally enlists advice from an actual ethicist at

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