Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

Many men get an ego boost out of sharing their "hot wife." But there are other motivations as well.

I am a straight male, married to a woman for 25 years. Our marriage started to go sour about 14 years ago. Sex was infrequent and stultifying. Finally, I made plans to separate. When my wife got wind of these plans, she agreed to work on our relationship. Things got better. Sex got more frequent, if not more exciting. Then I saw a letter referencing cuckolding in your column. I mentioned it to my wife. This led to a conversation about introducing cuckolding into our relationship. She has a guy in mind. My first choice would be all three of us having sex. My second choice would be he and I having sex with her. The third would be me watching. The last would be them having sex and me hearing about it afterward. She has opted for the last option and is reluctant to share all the details.

She has asked why her having sex with another man is exciting. She speculated it is because I have a big ego — if other men want her, her value is higher. For me, it is all about sex. The idea of her letting another guy in, going down on him, etc. is exciting. We will be breaking the rules for what couples are supposed to do. I have been on cuckolding websites. It seems a lot of guys go in for humiliation. Some claim they have small dicks and want a larger man to satisfy their wives. None of those things apply to me. Has there been research into cuckolding? Why do husbands find it hot?

Clearly Understanding Cuckold Kink

"There hasn't been a lot of research into the cuckolding phenomenon," said David J. Ley, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them. "Historically, men whose wives cuckolded them were publicly humiliated, and their wives were often severely punished. It is only in the past decade or so that this fantasy has catapulted into the public consciousness, largely due to female sexual liberation and the ability of the Internet to allow men with these fantasies to learn they are not alone."

Because of this history, there hasn't been much nonjudgmental research into men with your desires. Ley's book represents the first comprehensive effort to explore your kink.

"CUCK's wife is right," said Ley, "in that many men do get an ego boost out of sharing their ‘hot wife.' But there are many other motivations as well. Some men are into the idea of cuckolding and humiliation, in a masochistic way. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who masochism was named after, explored this fantasy specifically for the humiliation of it."

Men who enjoy the humiliation aspect of their wives sleeping with other men tend to identify with the term "cuckold," while men who are into the exciting-sex aspect tend to identity as "hotwifers."

"There are lots of men who explore this fantasy just because they think it's very sexy," said Ley. "One theory for this is related to the concept of sperm competition. The theory goes that men get physically aroused when they know their sperm might have to compete with those of another man, in order to possibly (even theoretically) impregnate a woman. In such circumstances, men thrust harder and deeper during sex, they ejaculate harder, and their ejaculate contains more sperm."

As for your wife's restrictions — you can't be there, she'll share some details but not all — Ley thinks she's testing you. "She wants to see how serious CUCK is, how he's going to react. And she's establishing some level of independence. It's her body and her sexuality, too, after all." Ley thinks you guys are coming at this from a good place. Your marriage is on the upswing, you're talking about your desires honestly, and you're willing to compromise. "The key component is communication, grounded by mutual trust and respect. If you pursue this, do it with honest communication."

Follow Dr. Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.

I am a straight 19-year-old girl in college. I broke up with my boyfriend of several months, and during that relationship, I met one of his friends. This friend has been in a relationship, but his girlfriend cheated, and now he has a free card to go fuck someone else. He wants that person to be me! We have fooled around, but though I am not looking for a relationship, I have reservations about fucking someone who is, even if it's on a Go Fuck Someone Else card. Advice?

Uneasy And Unsure

Unless there are just two guys at your college — your ex and this dude with the Go Fuck Someone Else card — I would urge you to fuck someone else. Your ex will be pissed at you for fucking his friend, he'll be pissed at his friend for fucking you, the friend's girlfriend will be pissed at you for fucking her boyfriend — GFSE card or no GFSE card. Who needs that kind of grief? Find someone who isn't in your circle, and fuck him instead.

I'm a 25-year-old guy with a gender-neutral partner. One of our favorite things to do is for me to deep-throat their cock. It's long and thick, and they sometimes fuck my throat, quite roughly at times. Is there a medical danger to deep-throating? Sometimes it makes my throat a little sore for a few days after. Could we be harming my throat?

Two Wondering If Naughty Kink's Safe

I could find an expert for you, TWINKS, or search the medical literature. But if cocks were doing permanent damage to throats, I would've heard by now. An intense deep-throating session is physically taxing, and you feel it for a few days after. Snowboarding has the same effect on my legs. My advice: Take it easy for a while after trashing your throat, just as I take it easy after trashing my legs.

Hear the Lovecast recorded live at Seattle's Neptune Theatre on Valentine's Day at

Comments (0)

Add a comment

Add a Comment