Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love 

The U.S. is really far behind other countries in the establishment of vulvar pain clinics, but we're getting there.

I'm a 24-year-old female, and I just recently lost my virginity. I've had sex only three times and have found each time to be incredibly painful — even when the guy's just using his fingers. I've always been extremely sensitive. In the past, I've had guys run their hands over my jeans, and even that hurts. I brought this up when I went to my first ob-gyn appointment, and my doctor assured me that everything was normal down there. Am I just supposed to continue having sex until it becomes pleasurable?

Tight Twat

"Although vaginal intercourse hurts some women the first time or two that they have sex, it's usually not 'incredibly painful,'" says Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual-health educator at the Kinsey Institute, and the author of numerous books. "And women rarely experience pain when it's just fingers, and especially not when someone is just running hands over jeans."

So you did the right thing by seeing a doc. "It's fantastic that she went to an ob-gyn so soon after starting to have sex," says Herbenick. "Many women are too shy or nervous, even though it's recommended for all sexually active women. Unfortunately, many doctors have had little to no training in diagnosing or treating vulvar pain, something that groups like the National Vulvodynia Association ( have been working to change."

So you're going to have to see another doctor, one who knows something about vulvar pain. Herbenick recommends someone who "lives and breathes the vulva and vagina in their medical practice. TT can find such a health-care provider through the NVA or the International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease ( There are excellent vulvovaginal health clinics at the University of Iowa and the University of Michigan. The U.S. is really far behind other countries in the establishment of such clinics, but we're getting there."

For more info on vulvar and vaginal pain — and other sexual health and pleasure issues — get Herbenick's latest book, Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered — For Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex. And follow her on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick.

My wife and I decided to pursue her MFM threesome fantasy. Part of her fantasy was that the other chap have a BBC (big black cock), so we advertised and met this great guy who we've seen three times a year ever since. He is nice and open-minded, and we've become so comfortable with our BBC that we meet at our home now instead of a hotel. So there are respectful and safe people out there! The issue I'm writing about is a problem with me. After our BBC ejaculates in my wife — everyone is tested and free of STIs — I enjoy going down on her, he enjoys watching me go down on her, and she enjoys having me lick the interloper's come from her pussy. The problem arises when our BBC isn't in the picture. We both talk about how hot it will be when I go down on her after I've unloaded in her myself. Unfortunately, once I've made my deposit, I have zero desire to go down on her. It's like someone flips a switch in my brain and something I couldn't wait to do is suddenly repulsive. This problem doesn't arise in our threesomes because our BBC always comes before I do. Is there a fix?

Can't Really Eat All My Pecker's Icky Emissions

So your regular third with the big cock is nice, open-minded and STI-free. Sounds great, CREAMPIE, but how can you be certain about the STI-free part when you see him only three times a year? Unless he's abstinent the rest of the year, or unless you test before each of your threesomes, there's some risk here.

You also describe your regular third as "respectful," and that's great. But referring to your regular third as BBC, or "big black cock," isn't respectful. It's dehumanizing.

It's fine to be attracted to others for particular physical attributes. It's also fine to explore racially charged fantasies so long as no one feels disrespected or dehumanized. But since this big black cock is attached to a fun and trustworthy guy, maybe you could refer to him as your ABC ("awesome black chum") instead of as your BBC? Just, you know, to show some respect for him as a person.

As for your problem: A man's body releases the hormone prolactin when he comes. That hormone makes a man sleepy, it makes his boner deflate, and it temporarily renders him indifferent to and/or repulsed by sex. So something that sounded hot right before you came is going to be much less appealing right after you come.

It's a snatch-22, and there's no fix.

I'm 45, female, and married to a smart, funny 50-year-old man. We've been together nine years. The sex was good for the first year and then dropped off to nothing. He says, "I've had plenty of sex in my life. I'm just not interested anymore." During my first marriage, the sex was so bad that I thought, "If I could find a man who loved to cuddle, I could go the rest of my life without sex." Perfectly describes husband No. 2! Except now I feel more sexual than ever! I've discussed this with my husband and have mentioned open marriage, but nothing ever comes of it. He has had his testosterone checked. It's normal. Not even going to a therapist helped. What do I do?

Careful What You Wish For

He's done with sex, and you're not — so you get to fuck other people, and he doesn't get to say anything about it. There are tons of men out there in sexless marriages that they don't want to end. Get your ass online and find one or two. If your husband insists that you remain "monogamous" to him, tell him what he wants to hear and fuck other men regardless.

There's an upside to herpes, courtesy of science! At


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