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Savage Love

You want your girlfriend to initiate sex more often? Tell her you want her to initiate sex more often.

My girlfriend always responds positively when I initiate sex, but she hardly ever initiates sex with me. I realize that this can be a sensitive topic, and I don't want to scare her by saying, "Please initiate sex more often!" So I do small things to let her know that I want her to initiate. I will lotion up in front of her after we shower. Or I'll say something like "I wanted to fuck last night — maybe you can wear one of your sexy bras and thongs one day soon?" But it hasn't worked. The only time she'll initiate is if I haven't initiated for a while and she's sexually frustrated. But that can take days!

Girlfriend Rarely Initiates Naked Dance

Wow, your girlfriend is pretty fucking dense.

I mean, she actually heard you say, "I wanted to fuck last night — maybe you can wear one of your sexy bras and thongs one day soon?" and somehow didn't realize that what you meant was "Please initiate sex more often." And a boyfriend smearing lotion on himself — who doesn't know what that means?

Um. Yeah. No.

"I wanted to fuck last night — maybe you can wear one of your sexy bras and thongs one day soon?" does not auto-translate to "Please initiate sex more often." The likely takeaway from that statement is "I wanted to fuck last night, but the granny panties/pajama bottoms/hazmat Spanx you were wearing were such a turnoff that I couldn't get it up." And seeing your boyfriend "lotion up" doesn't communicate "Please initiate sex more often." The only thing it communicates for sure is "My boyfriend isn't going to put up with dry skin."

You want your girlfriend to initiate sex more often? Tell her you want her to initiate sex more often. That will display more sensitivity than potentially confidence-shredding statements or the conspicuous application of skin moisturizer.

But even if you're straight with her, things are unlikely to change. She obviously has a lower libido than you do. Your desire for her cranks her up, so she's good to go when you initiate. But she's unlikely to feel the urge to initiate as often as you would like her to.

I'm a 21-year-old female. Two days ago, I broke up with my manipulative, insecure, long-distance boyfriend. I care for this man, but I need to live my life the way I want to, and that wasn't possible in this relationship. The problem is, he's been leaving voice mails, texting and emailing me threatening suicide. I've told his mother, but I don't think she's taking it seriously. I feel horrible, but I don't want to talk to him because I refuse to get sucked back into his problems. How can I deal with this without getting personally involved?

Single And Worried

Your ex-boyfriend's mom presumably knows her son better than you, and she isn't taking his threats seriously. So it's possible that he has a history of manipulating people with idle suicide threats. But if you're worried — maybe his mother is neglectful and/or nuts — you might want to listen to Episode 364 of the Savage Lovecast (you can find that episode, and 363 others, at I took a question from a man whose girlfriend threatened suicide when he tried to dump her. Jill Harkavy-Friedman of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention had some excellent advice: Alert his friends and relatives, and pass the AFSP's hotline number (1-800-273-TALK) on to them and on to the person making the threat. I would add: Don't respond to his texts or voice mails, consider blocking his number, and forward any truly worrying emails to his mother.

My girlfriend snooped on my browser history to see what porn I had been looking at. I've told her I look at porn, and she said she didn't mind. My viewing habits are pretty vanilla except for BBW porn. It's not my go-to, but it was what she found in my browser history the day she snooped. I'm not more attracted to overweight women than other women, but sometimes that type just does it for me. My girlfriend is overweight — not on par with the women in the videos — and now she's worried her weight is the only reason I'm attracted to her. How can I put her at ease?

Busted Boyfriend Worries

If you looked only at porn that featured conventionally attractive women, your girlfriend would be worried that you're not attracted to her because of her size. But she caught you looking at BBW porn, and now she's worried that her size is the only reason you're attracted to her. I don't think you can win this one, but you can try saying this: "I like women of all shapes and sizes, including yours — as you can clearly see if you look at all the porn sites I've visited." I don't think it'll do much good, because your girlfriend probably doesn't want you looking at porn at all — snooping and grilling aren't signs of "OK with porn." So use private browsing, clear your browser history or watch porn on a secure computer in a secret, undisclosed location.

HATE CRIME: One of the shitbags invited to speak at the gay-bash-a-thon known as the Values Voter Summit in Washington, D.C., earlier this month called homophobia a myth. Gay people are the violent and intolerant ones, he argued, and Christians like him are the real victims. Later that same day — Oct. 12 — a gay man was attacked in Nova Scotia, in an apparent hate crime. Scott Jones was stabbed twice in the back and his throat was slashed: He is now paralyzed from the waist down. Scott is Canadian and has access to medical care because of socialism. But Scott faces a long struggle, and there will be expenses — retrofitting his home, loss of income — he'll need help with. Please consider making a donation at

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