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Savage Love

The failure to immediately answer certain questions in the negative is equal to answering in the affirmative. For example: "Is that your butt plug?"

My lesbian wife and I live in an apartment. The noise pollution between flats can be pretty bad, and keeping noise down after certain hours is a common courtesy. I wouldn't play loud music after a certain hour, or let doors slam, or break out the drum kit. If any of these things happens after around 11:30 p.m. on a work night, I don't think I'd feel any qualms about going to whoever is being inconsiderate and asking them to keep it down. But what about noisy sex? 

My neighbor's girlfriend is pretty loud during sex. If the racket were being made before midnight, I could bear it. It would be gross, because he's slimy and has a terrible hipster mustache, but I'd cope. But what about sex at crazy o'clock? Is it OK to pound on the wall and ask them to keep it down? 

Sleepy Lesbians Next Door

I happen to agree with Robert Lopez, Jeff Marx and Jeff Whitty, creators of the Tony Award-winning musical Avenue Q, on the subject of thin walls and noisy sex: "You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're makin' love." But you and your wife can be as loud as the hell you want when they're making love. You can pound on the walls, scream and yell, etc.

Even if your neighbors don't take the hint, the noise you make may bring their sex to a quicker end. Females of certain species — including our own — get loud during sex, i.e., scream and yell, because it helps the males climax more quickly. (Female copulatory vocalization: It is a real thing with its own Wikipedia page.) If his girlfriend's vocalizations turn your inconsiderate mustachioed hipster neighbor on, the screams of his lesbian neighbors could push him past the point of no return.

Squicked out by the thought of giving your hipster neighbor an aural reach-around? Look at it this way: The quicker he comes, the sooner you can get back to sleep.

I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman for two years. We split up and remained friends. Months later, on a drunken night, we had sex. At that point, neither of us had slept with anyone else. But after we had sex, I slept with two others (using protection). Now my ex-girlfriend and I may get back together, and she has asked: Have I slept with anyone else? So far, I have managed to avoid answering. And, yes, we are currently sleeping together. Do I tell her?

Blowjobs And Rights Of Privacy

The failure to immediately answer certain questions in the negative is equal to answering in the affirmative. Examples: "Are you gay?" "Did you fuck my sister?" "Is that your butt plug?" Any attempt to avoid answering these questions — issuing a nondenial denial ("Me? Gay? Why would you think that?"), requesting an unnecessary clarification ("You mean your sister?"), stalling for time ("Can we talk about this later?") — serves as confirmation.

"Have you slept with anyone else?" is right up there with "Did you gay-fuck my sister with that butt plug?" So unless this woman is an idiot, you don't need to tell her. She knows.

Straight male here. I took a writing course, and some of us students created a writing group to workshop things we've been working on. One of the guys in the group is gay, and a while ago, he confessed that he had very strong feelings for me. I told him that I wasn't into guys. The other day, he sent an email telling me there was something he wanted to discuss. We met for dinner, and he told me that he felt like I had been sending messages to indicate my interest in him. He told me that he noticed that I had started to dress like him, and that this was sometimes a way closeted men showed interest in other men. He mentioned that one week he had worn a red sweater, and the following week I had worn a red T-shirt. He also said he felt like the stories I had been workshopping were secretly about him. This entire thing has taken place purely in his head. I told him this, and now he says he is hurt and doesn't want to see me at the group. He suggested that we share the group, alternating meetings, but I refused. We're both adults who should have the emotional maturity to handle this. Am I being too harsh?

Pulled Into Drama

Closeted gay men don't use colored T-shirts to send messages to out gay men. They use Craigslist.

Look, Jeffrey Dahmer — a.k.a. the Milwaukee Cannibal — ate a friend of mine. By which I mean to say: Some gay people are insane. I'm not saying you're in danger of being eaten. But if your account is accurate, this guy is more than a little unpleasant and a whole lot batshit. Confide in some friends in your writing group about what's going on, and be prepared to leave the group or form a breakaway group if Mr. Red Sweater continues to detect clues in your wardrobe. Also: Do not spend time alone with this guy. Someone who would accuse you of making super-secret passes via T-shirt is capable of making baseless accusations about much worse.

Finally, a pro tip: Writers don't need a writers' group to write. They just need to write.

GAY AND COUPLED AND NOT MONOGAMOUS? A Savage Love reader and sex researcher is studying "relationship satisfaction among nonmonogamous gay couples." His research is focused on gay male couples that have sex with other men but not relationships with other men, i.e., not guys in poly relationships, just open ones. If you qualify and have a few minutes to spare for science — science! — take the survey at

On the Savage Lovecast, Dan speaks with a human-rights attorney on how Chelsea Manning can expect to be treated in prison, at

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