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Savage Love

A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure and then discover that his dick has wandered off.

I'm a mostly straight, twentysomething, sexually active woman. This happens pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around. I reach down, and he's full sail. Things progress and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. I'm not aggressive, but I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times, the guy is limp. They usually express frustration and indicate that they're very much turned on but it's just not working. Generally after a few times, they will stop having this problem, and we end up having lots of fun. So I don't think I'm doing anything "wrong" to kill the boners. I think maybe I'm just intimidating. In fact, I've been told so. Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness?

Fragile Ego Males

P.S. The more a guy likes me, the more this seems to happen.

So ... you go to bed with a guy, he's at full sail and then you inform him that you will be coming first. You instruct him in the art of What I Like & How You Should Do It, and by the time he gets you off, that dick has sailed. Or his dick sails are empty. Or something.

Why does this happen? I have three theories ...

Theory One: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid-20s without ever having encountered a sexually assertive woman. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack can come as a shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy's dicksystems. Deeply insecure guys (guys you wouldn't wanna waste your time and your twat on anyway) may find your assertiveness off-putting, and even more secure guys could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexually assertive woman.

Theory Two: Guys could be losing their erections because they're focusing on getting you off. Making it happen for a partner — particularly if you're using your mouth and it takes longer than 15 minutes — can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented head space and then discover that his dick has wandered off when it's "his turn."

Theory Three: If you're going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing, and he spends 45 minutes eating your pussy, he may be spent by the time you get off.

And here's how you reduce the awkwardness when it happens: Acknowledge the situation without dwelling on it and suggest taking a break — have some ice cream! Get a few hours sleep! When you start in again, he comes first next time.

P.S. The more a guy likes you, the more performance anxiety he may experience. And the more invested he may be in — and the more distracted he may be by — getting you off.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years, and we've been living together for one. Several times a day, in passing, he reaches his hand inside my shirt and quickly grabs a boob, and then continues on his way. I could be cooking or studying or brushing my teeth, and he just digs in there out of the blue and doesn't usually even acknowledge me before or after. In bed, he is very considerate and giving — no complaints. I've tried to bring it up, but he gets offended, so I drop it. Do I have a right to prefer an offhand kiss on the forehead?

Groped Too Fucking Often

Before we talk about what you can do about your asshole boyfriend — pepper spray? — can we talk about my husband's ass?

It's a spectacular ass, and I love to grab it. But my husband doesn't like to be grabbed in certain ways, in certain places or at certain times. So I don't grab his ass in those ways, in those places or at those times. Because it's his ass, and I respect his limits because I respect him. He's my partner, not my possession.

You need to communicate to your boyfriend that there are times when you want him to grab your boobs and times when you don't. Don't make the mistake of framing this conversation around his feelings. You are not "bringing it up" to come to some sort of understanding. You're bringing it up to set a limit. And once that limit is set, don't put up with the boob-grabbing. If he leans in to grab your boob, move away, slap his hand, blast him with pepper spray — whatever it takes to communicate your displeasure. If he gets offended, let him. If he stays offended, leave him.

I'm a 46-year-old homo. Since coming out when I was 20, I've been in a series of failed relationships and single for the last 10 years. I'm convinced I never learned how to flirt. I get all tripped up when I see a PYT who I want to talk to. Add to the mix that I was diagnosed in '91 as poz. I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't even try anymore. I'm good-looking, outdoorsy, adventurous and free-spirited. But I'm a total wimp when it comes to interacting with a potential mate. I know there are younger guys who are attracted to older guys. I'd love some advice on how to increase my mojo.

Doing It Really Trepidatiously

Nothing will boost your dating mojo like getting laid, and that won't happen if you don't take risks and talk to the next PYT — pretty young thing — who catches your eye. Remember: Lots PYTs are poz themselves, and lots of negative guys are willing to date poz guys. Putting yourself out there may result in some rejection from jerks who are freaked out by your HIV status. But you don't want to date jerks, right?

On the Savage Lovecast, proper "slutiquette" and how to wean your boyfriend off "The Nipple Thing" at

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