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Savage Love

"If your docs are unwilling to discuss and prioritize your sex life, you need new ob-gyns."

I am a 54-year-old postmenopausal woman. My libido has diminished significantly, and it takes me much longer to climax. My husband is unable to maintain an erection as long as he used to; this makes it even more difficult for me to climax. I have taken up an activity I did in my 20s when I was single: giving myself enemas. The enema-induced orgasms are fantastic. Am I doing any harm to my body by doing frequent quart-size soapy enemas using a retention-balloon nozzle and holding it as long as possible and then masturbating as I expel? Will a doctor be able to tell what I' ve been up to when it' s time for a colonoscopy? I would die if a doctor figured it out.

Frustrated Lady Earnestly Enquires Today

"Women need to understand that our sexualities change throughout life," says Dr. Leah Torres, a general obstetrician/gynecologist with a special focus on family planning. "Menopause can be tricky, but one can adapt to changes that may occur. There are medications and lubricants and all sorts of tricks."

Yeah, yeah — but what about the freakin' enemas, doc?

"The enemas are not harmful as long as they are not painful, though this practice may change the balance of bacteria that normally live in the colon and may make one more susceptible to changes in bowel movements," says Dr. Torres.

As for your fear of being discovered, FLEET, "I have not seen many colonoscopies, so I would not know a physician' s ability to determine a person' s level of enema activity," says Dr. Torres. "But as a physician who prides herself in building trust with patients, I would never disclose my knowledge of sexual activities that may make my patient uncomfortable or embarrassed unless there is a concern for her health or it directly affects her care."

If it would really kill you if your doc figured it out, how about a face-and-rump-saving white lie? Mention that you' re administering enemas to yourself, leaving the masturbate-as-you-expel bit out, and ask your doc if that' s a problem. "She can ask her doctor an ‘innocent' question such as ‘When I feel constipated, I give myself an enema. Is that dangerous?' " says Dr. Torres. "No need to mention masturbation, and the doctor' s answer may allay her other concerns."

My mother cannot find her clit. She' s 80 years old, quite fit, and otherwise anatomically correct, but she noticed about a week back that she couldn' t find her clit. She went to her gyno and told him, and he didn' t seem shocked. She isn' t sexually active, but she' d like to keep as many of her original parts as she can. I searched online and couldn' t find much about missing clits.

Help My Mother Find Her Clit

"It is normal for the vagina, and the parts within and around the vagina, to atrophy with age," says Dr. Torres. "Women who have gone through menopause have very little estrogen. For the lady parts, estrogen is crucial in upkeeping the healthy, youthful appearance of vaginal and labial tissues as well as for the laxity of the vagina."

But "Women do not ‘lose' their clitorises," says Dr. Torres. "The majority of the clitoris is located inside the body, but women recognize the ‘clitoral glans' as the clitoris. This may become smaller with age, making it seem as though the clitoris has disappeared. But the clitoris never goes away."

So your mom' s clit is down there somewhere. It' s just smaller and grayer than it used to be — just like your mom.

My husband and I both hit 40 this year. We have been together since high school. We were kinky right from the start, became involved in the BDSM community, and found ourselves in a poly relationship. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, and I' ve had a hard time getting regulated with hormone replacement. There was a lot of extra bodily trauma with my surgery. I' m mostly happy with other parts of my life, but I have no interest anymore in kink, especially D/s. I wouldn' t say I' ve totally lost interest in sex, but I don' t have the driving need I used to. I haven' t had luck talking to my ob-gyns. If I' m not having hot flashes, in their opinion, I shouldn' t mess with it. My boyfriend has been supportive, but I' m having a hard time talking to my husband, since his girlfriend is menopause-age and as much of a nympho as ever. He sees my lack of interest in sex as a lack of interest in him.

Too Young To Be Old

"Society makes talking about sex taboo, and that taboo can adversely affect the doctor-patient relationship," says Dr. Torres.

Dr. Torres is being polite. Allow me to translate: Your current ob-gyns suck santorum-smeared donkey balls. If your docs are unwilling to discuss and prioritize your sex life, you need new ob-gyns.

"If a patient comes to me with changes in sexual function that concern her," Dr. Torres continues, "it is the same as if she came to me with ‘it hurts right here, doc.' It is something that needs investigating. Having a hysterectomy often includes removing the ovaries, which is equivalent to inducing menopause. No ovaries = no estrogen = menopause. Even if you still have your ovaries, their function may be affected by a hysterectomy. This can affect the libido or it may have no effect whatsoever. Also, after major surgery, particularly after a difficult and prolonged recovery, people may not enjoy sex the same way they used to. For this woman, pain may now be associated with the struggle to recover as opposed to what it used to be associated with: orgasm."

So what does the doctor recommend?

"There are options other than female hormone-replacement therapy," says Dr. Torres, "and it may be a good idea to consult a specialist in sexual health."

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with Mollena Williams (a.k.a. the Perverted Negress) about meeting kinksters; find it at

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