Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

I used to take a hard line on sleeping with conservatives, but I've evolved.

I'm a 24-year-old straight, married female. I have been religiously reading your column since I was 16. I turn to you now for advice. 

Five months ago, I married the man of my dreams. He was driven, hardworking, loving and happy. We had amazing, cosmic and connected sex, and we enjoyed pleasing each other. We have been together for a little over a year. I realize now that it was WAY too soon to get married, but I let my romantic side get the best of me, and so here we are. We are miserable. Sex is the furthest thing from my mind. When it does happen, it's very one-sided. I rarely get off, and if I do, it's on my own after he finishes because "it's too much work" to get me off. 

Problem two is that on our wedding night, he broke his foot and couldn't work. After his foot healed, he quit his job. He told me he "didn't want to do that kind of work anymore." So now I work an exhausting full-time job and come home to a filthy apartment. Here's what my husband does all day: plays video games and jerks off to porn. Every time I broach the subject of him getting a job or picking up after himself, all hell breaks loose. I have brought up marriage counseling, and his response is "You can go, but I'm not going." I thought about withholding sex until he finds a job, but I don't know how big of a threat that poses. I would appreciate any advice you have for making this work, as I am not ready to give up.

Too Soon To Quit

I can't tell you how much your letter saddens me.

Someone who started reading my column at age 16 — and that's just the right age — should've known better than to marry a man she'd been dating for seven months. And someone who has been reading my column for eight years should know what to do about a useless, unemployed, inconsiderate spouse: Call a divorce lawyer.

But you're not ready to give up on this marriage, because an ill-advised quickie marriage is one thing (crazy whirlwind romance!), and a well-advised quickie divorce is another (sober acceptance of reality). So here's my second-best advice: Move the fuck out. Tell your shitty husband that you're not ready to divorce him, but that you refuse to live with a man who doesn't have a job, doesn't cook or clean and isn't interested in working on his marriage. Tell him you're moving out to preserve your sanity and whatever small chance this marriage has.

Once you move out, your husband can find a job and pay his own rent, or sit on the couch until his landlord has him evicted. If he gets his shit together, maybe you can stay married. If he doesn't, maybe you'll be ready to give up.

All that said, the fact that you're not ready to give up on this marriage doesn't mean two squarts. Because your husband has given up on it. Your husband is making himself unbearable because he wants out. But instead of being an adult and asking for a divorce, he's doing everything in his power to drive you away. This is a man who — consciously or subconsciously — wants out of this marriage, and I predict his shitty behavior will escalate until he gets what he wants: out.

My wife and I are bi and monogamish, and we occasionally invite other swell guys, girls and couples into our bedroom. We're crazy liberal hippies, and thus far have fooled around exclusively with similar folks. It's difficult to find couples where both members are bi, so when we find one, we tend to pursue them with wild abandon. We've recently been corresponding with a duo that seems perfect. But in their last email, they labeled themselves as "compassionate conservatives," which set off our socially progressive warning bells. Do we move on? Friends don't let friends fuck Republicans, right?

Bisexual But Bipartisan?

I used to take a hard line on sleeping with conservatives, but I've evolved. Today I support sleeping with conservatives ... because someone has to fuck some sense into 'em. Might as well be you guys.

I'm an escort and a pro Domme. I have a ridiculous sex drive, and I'm single. I'm also queer. But lately I find myself mostly hooking up with dudes for two reasons:

1. I think it's important to also have nontransactional sex with dudes.

2. It's easier to have casual sex with dudes because I rarely get emotionally attached. Like almost never.

If I use protection, and I'm getting tested every three months, do I owe these players the truth about what I do for a living?

Sexworker Troubled Intellectually

People who have casual one-night stands with people they may not see again should go into those hookups knowing these two things:

1. Having sex in this context — i.e., a sleazy and fun hookup — carries a higher degree of STI risk than having sex in a committed relationship.

2. They need to take all reasonable precautions while bearing in mind that condoms, even when used correctly, do not provide 100 percent protection.

So as long as you're using protection/condoms, you're doing right by your one-night stands. Your dudes are entitled to consideration and a reasonable concern for their well-being. They are not entitled to your complete sexual history or your work résumé. If someone isn't comfortable with the risks inherent in casual sex — if someone wouldn't want to sleep with a sex worker, say, or an editor at Breitbart — that person needs to inquire as to whether the person they've picked up is a sex worker or an idiot. The onus is on them.

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