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Savage Love

When two people aren't good to each other, they should get the fuck away from each other.

I am a 23-year-old straight male. My ex-girlfriend and I started dating when we were both 17, and continued dating until I broke up with her after our freshman year in college because things felt too serious. We continued to have sex, but I blocked out all my feelings for her, while she was open about still wanting to be with me. She started dating someone else sophomore year. I realized then that I still wanted to be with her, and I broke down emotionally and made both our lives difficult. I was a very unattractive person then.

I also found out other details by snooping. I know that during the time we dated, she faked orgasms with me. This made me feel inadequate. Since then, we have forgiven each other and tried to rekindle our romantic relationship. Unfortunately, while for me there is a sexual attraction, she says she is no longer attracted to me. I'm sensitive, fashionable and artistic, and she tells me she's more attracted to the "all-American-man" type. She is currently dating someone long-distance. But we still talk about "us," we still cuddle, and she'll say things like, "When I think of growing old, I imagine doing so with you." I try to be a friend, but hearing emotional crap about her relationship makes me want to scream, "No guy will ever clear your bar, because I set the bar!" Is there any chance that we will be together again?

Her Ideal Mate

There are six other continents on this planet in addition to the one your ex-girlfriend currently resides on. And my advice for you is to pick one and move there. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her. Not because your ex is evil, but because this relationship is over. She's not only seeing someone else, she's made it clear that you're not her type. And I gotta say ...

This relationship will never be what it was, because neither of you will ever be what you were. You're never going to be 17 and in love for the first time again. The bar you're talking about? Hormones set it, you didn't.

Also: It sounds like you behaved terribly after you dumped your ex. When you wrote, "I made both our lives difficult," I read, "I stalked my ex." (Snooping after a breakup? That's a stalker move.) And having "emotionless sex" with someone who has "blocked out all [his] feelings" for you — being treated like a Fleshlight by someone you still have feelings for — is rarely pleasant. So perhaps she's treating you this way — keeping you on call for cuddles, dumping "emotional crap" about her current boyfriend — in a subconscious effort to get revenge. 

But whatever her deal is, the bottom line is this: When two people aren't good to each other, when they're not good for each other, they should get the fuck away from each other.

My husband and I are both in our mid-20s. He's in the military, and not long ago, we decided that a "monogamish" arrangement appealed to us. He recently got orders for a year-long deployment, and one thing we need to do before he leaves, I think, is have another conversation about nonmonogamy. I think we should adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I doubt I could tolerate the stress of this upcoming year if I were expected to abstain from sex for the duration. But it's unlikely that either of us would want to hear about the other's casual hookups when we're separated by nine time zones. Yet I can't bring myself to speak up, because I'm already so jealous of the people he might fuck while I'm on the opposite side of the world and unable to fuck him myself. Suddenly, the thought is nearly intolerable. What would you do?

Worried I Fear Estrangement

If my husband were about to deploy to a war zone, I would probably do what you're doing, WIFE: I would worry about the people who might want to fuck my husband — because that would provoke less anxiety than worrying about the people who might want to harm my husband.

Talk to your husband and put that "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the table. Considering that you'll most likely have more opportunities than he will over the next 12 months, a DADT policy may be precisely what your husband wants. And share your feelings of jealousy with him. Those feelings are not only natural, they're a good sign. It would be more worrisome if you didn't care whom he fucked. And your husband might share your chief concern: It's one thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you're around (and you're able to remind your partner why he's with you), and it's quite another thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you're not around.

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can make a person feel like she's not cut out for a monogamish relationship. But working through those feelings — with your partner, not your sex-advice columnist — proves you are cut out for one.

Good luck. I hope your husband comes home safe and sound.

If you have two friends, one male and one female, who are both married (not to each other) and looking for an affair, is it OK to put them in touch? May I bring them together in the same way I would two single people — throw a party with lots of alcohol? The man is in a sexless marriage and wants to get laid. The woman is getting divorced and needs to get laid. Note: The man and I have sex every few months. It's awesome sex. I would like to offer this to my female friend, but I'm not sure how he would feel about being passed around. What should I do?

Is This How Ashley Madison Got Started?

You should go to the liquor store.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

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