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Savage Love

Vengeful exes can use the details of your turn-ons against you only if you're ashamed of them.

DEAR READERS: I'm writing this week's column in a drug-induced coma. Well, not quite a coma, but close. I was fighting a cold, and it morphed into an insanely painful sinus infection. So my advice is probably going to be suckier than usual.

This probably falls into the category of a so-what's-the-problem problem: I'm a bearish 44-year-old who can't get a hot Latin 18-year-old guy to stop sucking my dick. Craigslist was involved initially. But now he comes by for weekly sessions of mutual head and leaves immediately afterward. He's a sweet kid but deeply closeted; given what I know of his family and friends, he's years away from coming out. I'm under no illusion that I'm what he's looking for, but I am an available sexual outlet. The trouble is he won't kiss and won't do anything social with me, and the novelty of getting naked with an 18-year-old has worn off. I'm mindful of your rule about treating younger partners like campsites: Leave them in better shape than you found them. But I don't know where to go next.

Not Wild About The Boy

It's possible that this 18-year-old is into you. He could be one of those younger guys who prefer older men. However, the eat-and-run routine makes it somewhat likelier that you're not, in fact, what he's looking for, but rather all he feels he can safely get. You're far enough away geographically, and far enough removed socially, that there's no risk of exposure. He's not going to run into you when he's walking around with his friends, and the odds that you know someone in common are nonexistent.

Anyway, here's what you do: Tell him that he's hot, tell him that he's a good little cocksucker, but that's not enough to sustain your interest. You're not asking to meet his friends or family — you're not asking him to risk exposure — but if he wants to keep blowing you, he'll have to risk a conversation now and then, maybe even watch a movie at your apartment. Tell him you can't be friends-with-benefits with someone who isn't a friend.

A lot of desperate-to-stay-closeted cases convince themselves that they won't have to come out if they can get their sexual needs met in one place and their emotional needs met in another. By showing him that a healthy gay person integrates his sexual and emotional needs — which you'll have done whether he keeps coming over or not — you'll be honoring the campsite rule.

I'm a man who just got out of a two-year relationship with a great girl. She was always a little controlling, so I'm glad to be out of the relationship. But I was still providing her with emotional support, and she started bothering me for advice on what to do about her rebound relationship. I suggested to her that we needed to re-evaluate our boundaries. She flipped out and has threatened to force all our mutual friends to pick her over me. I'm also worried that she will tell everyone about my pegging kink. I'm comfortable with that aspect of myself, but other people don't need to know. Do I stick up for kinks or deny it and blame a vengeful ex?

Kink-outing Is Not Kind

Denying it won't work if your vengeful ex has photos or video that she's willing to deploy. So if there's documentary evidence, KINK, prepare to own your kink and laugh it off. Assholes and vengeful exes can only use the details of your turn-ons against you if you're ashamed of them. Shrug off the reveal, laugh along with any good-natured ribbing, and look on the bright side: You could have female friends who are interested in pegging and, after they hear the news, interested in you.

I know you were raised Catholic but are now an atheist. I'm curious if you might still believe in God if you exposed yourself to other faith traditions that are more accepting of gay people. Have you looked at Buddhism or Hinduism? There is a great deal of evidence for reincarnation, and what better way to say "it gets better" than by saying you get to do it again and again until you get it right?

Born Again And Again

The Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality gave me a big sad when I was an adolescent, but I didn't come to the conclusion that there is no God based solely on that. My sexuality prompted me to question not just the faith in which I was raised, but all faiths. I simply don't know how any reasonable person can look at all world religions, and come to the conclusion that one particular tribe or prophet or science-fiction writer got it right and every other tribe, prophet and science-fiction writer got it wrong.

But if I was gonna pick a faith based on gayness alone, I would go with Antinous. He was the big gay lover of the big gay Roman emperor Hadrian. Hadrian was hopelessly in love with Antinous, a Bithynian teenager. Hadrian's Bithynian, like the NWATB's Dominican, must have given amazing head, because after Antinous drowned while swimming in the Nile, Hadrian had him declared a god. Take it away, Wikipedia:

"The grief of the emperor knew no bounds, causing the most extravagant veneration to be paid to Antinous' memory. ... As a result, Antinous is one of the best-preserved faces from the ancient world."

My husband, Terry, looks like Antinous — it's true — so, yeah, I'd hit and/or worship that.

As for reincarnation, have you seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? I wouldn't mind coming back as that magical pair of pants — only I'd like to be passed between Broadway stars Cheyenne, Andrew, Nick and Kyle. And instead of being a pair of magical blue jeans, I'd like to be a magical dance belt. If there's a religion that could make that happen, sign my ass up.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

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