Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Savage Love

Thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender issues.

I am a 26-year-old straight guy. My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it feels amazing to be able to confidently state this. Here is my trouble: I've had gender issues for the past five years. My now ex-girlfriend of three years said she couldn't be with me anymore due to these issues. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied to my gender issues, and her fears of me transitioning into a woman. I can see now that my insecurities caused me to be a selfish partner.

I get very turned on by the idea of giving head to a guy, but in reality it is not something that I enjoy. I also find lingerie to be very arousing. I allowed myself to focus so heavily on those aspects of my sexuality that I became insecure in my masculinity. I also ended up ignoring the majority of my sexual desires. I have now stopped repressing my lust toward women, something I had been doing.

I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now to be the boyfriend that she wanted me to be. But how do I prove that I am no longer the apathetic, distant and repressed lover that she was with for three years?

Found Myself Lost

You're not asking for advice. What you're doing is handing me a dog with a bloody, torn-up ass and saying, "Hey, Dan, I totally screwed the pooch. Unscrew it for me, wouldya?" Some days, half the mail is from remorseful pooch-screwers, and I do what I can to unscrew their pooches. But not every pooch can be unscrewed, and your pooch looks eternally screwed to me.

It wasn't your gender issues or kinks that screwed that pooch. You don't have to apologize for your gender issues: You were working through some serious shit. What you can be faulted for is your thoughtlessness and neglect. You were so wrapped up in your own drama that you could barely perceive, to say nothing of meet, your girlfriend's sexual and emotional needs.

We don't have to be perfectly issue-free before entering into a relationship. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in a relationship. However, we do have to be in relatively good working order, and you were not. Your girlfriend wanted a guy who could have his issues and still make an effort to meet her needs. And she stuck it out for three long years before calling it quits.

And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she walked out.

So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you know yourself to be a straight man now, and that you were a terrible boyfriend then. You couldn't meet her needs then but you can now. The only way you prove this, of course, is if she takes you back. Considering the price she paid when you were struggling — thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender issues — she's likely to pass.

If she doesn't take you back, resolve to learn from your mistakes. And refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.

I am a lesbian-identified bi woman who has been with my ladyfriend (also a LIBW) for seven years. She recently brought up her desire to have a threesome. I've had a handful of group-sex experiences, and I know that they can be fun but they can also go very wrong. I am worried that she isn't prepared to see me have sex with a man, and once we are in the moment she won't be assertive enough to stop something that she isn't comfortable with. What is the best way to test the waters?

Our next concern is who to invite into our bed. We would prefer it to be someone we wouldn't have to see again, so friends are out. However, I am concerned about finding a random person online because we have run across men who think we "just need the right penis." I want a man who will respect our relationship and our boundaries. Where do we look?

Another Bi Woman

Couples that want safety, respect and a measure of accountability from their very special guest sex stars should look first to flirty friends and friendly exes. But you two, like so many threesome-seeking couples, want the perfect person to materialize immediately before sex and disappear immediately after. That means finding and vetting a stranger. And online personal ads are the best way to accomplish that. State in your profile that you're looking for someone who: (1) is queer-friendly; (2) respects your relationship; and (3) doesn't think the "right" penis will turn you straight.

Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear, which means you could wind up with a man who doesn't believe those things. But he'll know to keep his mouth shut, and since you're not going to see him again, does it matter what he thinks?

As for your fear that your girlfriend won't speak up in the moment: Address that with her at length, and consider taking penis-in-either-of-your-vaginas sex off the menu for your first threesome.

I'm a bi gal into both sub and dom roles with men. I had never pondered sexless guy/guy ball-busting before reading BTSD's letter last week. Now I don't know if I should thank or curse BSTD for giving ME a new kink! Watching this would be hot!

Bad Acronym Lass Loves Sex

I'm not one to toss that cruel "there's someone out there for everyone" bullshit around. Some people do wind up alone. But kinks usually aren't the reason. Whatever your kink might be, there are kinksters out there who share it or will spark to it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE ON EARTH: Be sure to watch Savage U on MTV Tuesday nights at 11 p.m.

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