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Savage Love 

I have an awesome relationship with an awesome guy. I'm GGG and he's vanilla. Which is why I don't know what to do. I went downstairs late the other night, and he was sitting on the couch masturbating while stroking the cat, which was sitting on his chest. I don't know if he saw me. I went back upstairs to bed. In the morning, he acted like nothing happened. Now I don't know what to do. Confront him? Get rid of the cat?

Can't Analyze This

Pets want to be petted, and some pets are pushy. Bearing that in mind, CAT, pick the two likeliest scenarios out of these four options:

A. Your boyfriend is attracted to your cat.

B. Your boyfriend — unlike so many other boyfriends — is capable of doing two things at once.

C. Your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking the Almond Roca out of your cat's ass.

D. Your boyfriend needed to rub one out and slipped out of bed so as not to wake you (he's awesome like that) and there he was, lying back on the couch, when the cat jumped up on his chest.

Now, you were there, and I wasn't. But I think B and D are the likeliest scenarios: When the cat jumped on him, he divided his attentions between stroking the cat and stroking himself, and at some point he pushed the cat off his chest and turned back to the task at hand.

But, again, you were there. So did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating about the cat, with the cat or at the cat? These are questions only you can answer.

Here's a question only your boyfriend can answer, and I think you should ask: "I came down the other night and you were beating off with the cat sitting on your chest — what was that about?"

Here's the answer you're likely to get: "I was jerking it and the cat jumped up on me and I petted her for a minute. The part of my brain that regulates higher boner function instructed my right hand to go into erection-maintenance mode. But I wasn't perving on the cat, I swear."

Your boyfriend will say that even if he was perving on the cat. But if he has the good sense to lie about it, you should have the good sense to pretend to believe him.

I'm a 25-year-old straight male into big-dick porn. It's the domination aspects that turn me on, i.e., hearing a woman say things like "Stop!"or "You're too big for me!" I'm not too bad off down there, but I want more. Do you have any recommendations on enlargement techniques? Pumps, pills, whatever? I have a partner who is very GGG. I would really like to be able to play these fantasies out.

An Enlarging Problem

There's nothing you can do to make your dick bigger. Pills only waste your money, pumps only bruise your dick. (A pump can make your dick look a little bigger, temporarily, but your temporarily bigger dick will also be a whole lot softer, and what's the use of that?) Your only options for safely exploring your big-dick fantasies are strap-ons ("Not Just for Dykes Anymore") and "cock extenders," i.e., hollow dildos that a guy can wear on his dick. You'll find a nice selection of cock extenders here:

Finally, I trust that you stop when your girlfriend — or any woman — says, "Stop!" unless you and your partner have pre-agreed to a safe word that isn't "stop" but means "stop."

I agree with almost everything you say, but I have one complaint: You have made several comments over the years bashing meth users! Meth has a bad reputation, but people used to say that smoking pot caused insanity! Don't believe the hype! Being a meth addict is not good, but occasional use never hurt anyone. I only do it maybe five times a year, and I'm not a junkie. I'm a straight-A female student from a wealthy suburban family. You know when I like to get some meth? Around finals, so that I have lots of extra time to study.

Occasional Meth User

Your pot analogy is a big fail: Different drugs have different risks and different effects. That anti-drug crusaders overstated the dangers of marijuana does not prove meth is safe.

Meth, unlike pot, is highly addictive. While there's no such thing as a fatal dose of pot, there is such a thing as a fatal dose of meth. And while abusing pot — pot can be abused — makes a person lethargic and lardy, abusing meth makes a person crazy and dead.

But why should you take my word about meth, college girl?

"Most meth addicts started out feeling like meth was the perfect fix to a ‘problem' like needing extra time to study," says gay porn star Trenton Ducati. "I started out using meth ‘occasionally,' too. Pretty much all meth users start out that way. And it's not novel to think that you've got it all together — everybody who gets addicted to meth thinks that.

"Meth wound up taking me places that I'm sure OMU doesn't want to go," says Trenton. "There is just no way to use meth safely. Even if she is not willing to listen to those who've come before her, she could at least refrain from promoting a drug that has ruined so many lives." (Gay-porn fans can follow Trenton Ducati on Twitter: @TrentonDucati.)

And maybe you didn't learn the word "sophistry" when you were cramming for the SATs, but you might want to look it up. It's never too late to expand the vocabulary — or to put down the meth pipe.

CONFIDENTIAL TO LGBT KIDS WITH CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN PARENTS: Matthew Vines is your new best friend. Watch his video about what the Bible does and doesn't say about being gay and send the link to your parents:

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at


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