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Savage Love

A woman who spanks her pets goes to jail, but a woman who spanks her husband goes to GGG heaven

I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live — a rapid-fire, slightly tipsy Q&A session — at the University of Alaska Anchorage. All of the questions in this week's column were submitted by UAA students and staffers.

Should I go ahead and divorce my fantastic wife of 23 years now because gay marriage is going to destroy it eventually anyway?  — Tony From Wasilla

You might as well do it now, if only to beat the rush. Just in the last couple of weeks, the 9th Circuit ruled that California's Prop 8 is unconstitutional, the governor of Washington State signed marriage equality into law, and marriage-equality campaigns made huge strides in Maryland and Maine. Pretty soon, lawyers are going to be booked solid as traditional marriages buckle under the strain of all of this equality. Wait too long and you may not be able to get divorced at all.

I am with a girl who is a female ejaculator. It's pretty cool, but the quantity of ejaculate is way too much. Am I getting peed on?  — Tidal Wave

You're not getting peed on. (Science says: female ejaculate ≠ urine.) But don't take my word for it: Ask your girlfriend to piss on you sometime, and see if you can't tell the difference.

My friend is a lesbian but recently started dating a gay man. They seem really happy. What does that make them? They were both really active in the LGBT community before getting together.  — Confused Straight Ally

You see that "B" in LGBT? It stands for "bisexual," and it's there for a reason. Your friend may have been B all along, or perhaps she's just B for this one particular guy. But there's really nothing to be confused about, and your friends can and should remain active in the LGBT community.

I know about your "price of admission" theory. What else do you have to offer by way of advice for a healthy, lasting relationship?  — Annoyed With Him

Selective, self-induced memory loss.

You have to learn to shrug off minor and sometimes not-so-minor annoyances — maybe even a betrayal or two over the decades — because an ability to forgive and truly forget is necessary for the survival of any long-term relationship. If you're having a hard time getting there, speak to your doctor about medical marijuana.

I'm a lesbian, and my friend who is a bi male keeps asking me to peg him. How should I deal with this?  — Not Into Boys

If it doesn't bother you, laugh it off. If it does bother you, slap him down.

How do you tell a more-than-a-friend that his hygiene is an issue?  — The New Girlfriend

"Hey, big boy, you stink. Jump in the shower — there's a blowjob in it for you."

Advice for beginning buttsexers? We're having trouble getting started.  — Hole New World

Start with rimming, during or immediately after a shower, move on to fingers, small toys, and finally dick. Take your time! Work up to buttsex over a week or two. Lots of lube, penetration should be slow and very controlled, breathe, medical marijuana.

My husband wants to be spanked. This is beyond my comfort zone. What can I do to get over this apprehension? Practice on the dogs and cats?  — Can't Go There

A woman who spanks her pets goes to jail, but a woman who spanks her husband goes to GGG heaven. But if you simply can't get over your apprehension, outsource those spankings to your friendly local professional dominant.

I recently broke off a relationship after my female partner demanded that I get a circumcision. I told her I would get one if she did. She told me I was a sexist asshole. I don't see where she gets off asking me to mutilate myself if she won't. Am I wrong?  — Uncut About Anchorage

You weren't wrong to refuse to cut yourself for her, but you were wrong to equate "female circumcision" with male circumcision. A woman who's been "circumcised" — a woman who has been subjected to genital mutilation — has had her clit cut off. The male equivalent would be the removal of the head of the cock, not the foreskin.

With all the stress of jobs, relationships, kids, etc., what's your advice for romance and great sex when you're overwhelmed by life?  — Jack And Jill

My advice is to give up on great sex for now. Make time for some good-not-great, low-stakes, low-pressure, undemanding mutual masturbation sessions. Lie down together and get off while dirty talking about the great sex you're gonna have once your stress levels drop. Then do it!

I am a bi woman who works in an office where the environment is akin to the Fellowship of the Bros. Recently, I attended a pride event where a coworker saw me act in a very non-hetero way. I'm afraid this person will out me and I will be harassed or fired. What can I do?  — Unsafe At Work

Not much, sadly. LGBT people are not protected under the City of Anchorage's antidiscrimination statutes. There have been three attempts to add protections for LGBT people to the law; all three failed after "Christian" activists protested, lied, demagogued, bullied mayors and lied some more.

One Anchorage — a coalition of progressive organizations — gathered enough signatures to put an equal-rights initiative on the ballot in Anchorage on April 3. Passing Proposition 5 will make it illegal to discriminate against LGBT people in housing, public accommodation, employment and credit.

HEY, LGBT SUPPORTERS: We scored some big victories in the last two weeks. But we should remember that there are LGBT people living in cities, counties and states without civil-rights protections for queers. One Anchorage could use our help. The haters are planning a big advertising campaign to block equality, and One Anchorage needs to get on the air and counter the hate and lies. Donate here:

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

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