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Savage Love

Sometimes, dominant boyfriends are made, not born.

My husband is a very kinky submissive man. When we were dating, I found out that he had been talking to people online and that he had met with a professional dom a couple of times. I felt betrayed that he had done this all behind my back, even though I had told him that I would be down with him seeing a dom.

We got through it, and now our sex life is amazing. I tie him up, I lock his dick up, I dress him up. All I ask in return is that he be honest about who he's talking with online. I know he chats with "women" online as a "woman," and I'm OK with that so long as I'm aware of it. But today I found pictures on his phone of his cock in the chastity device I keep him in. He tried to lie but he came clean: He was chatting with a woman, it came out that he was a man, and she wanted to see pictures of his cock in his chastity belt.

Why lie? If he would have just told me the day he sent the pictures that he sent someone pictures of his cock, I would be OK with it! I also found another email account he never told me about that he's using when he chats online. Again, no big deal! Why hide it?

He Isn't Telling Me Everything

Before I can respond to your question, I've gotta sacrifice a goat to the snooping-is-always-wrong Gods, or the snooping-is-always-wrong jihadists will cut my head off. It'll just take a sec: You invaded your husband's privacy! That was wrong! WRONG!

Moving on ...

Your husband hit the jackpot when he met you, HITME. There aren't a lot of women who would embrace — much less marry — a man with his particular kinks. All you've asked in return is ... total transparency and real-time disclosure of flirtations and contacts as they happen. Why can't the kinky ingrate honor this agreement? I suspect one of two issues is at play ...

Your husband may be ashamed about the extent of his kinks. He may fear that sharing the full extent of his online activities will leave you feeling squicked out or threatened. So he minimizes, disclosing some but not all. If this is the issue, impress upon your husband that hiding shit represents a bigger threat to his marriage than full disclosure ever could.

Or ...

Having a secret life could be another one of his kinks. Even if this is the issue, I think you two should be able to come to mutually agreeable terms.

Here's a potential compromise: He doesn't keep anything from you, but he doesn't disclose in real time. So long as he's not being unsafe or neglectful, and his online activities remain online-only, he can carry on texting and pic-swapping. But every few months, you get to depose his submissive ass. You get to ask him questions, and he answers all your questions and opens up about any secrets your questions didn't uncover. This way, he can have all the erotic secrets he wants (he'll just have to make new ones every few months), and you can have the transparency you need (just not immediately). 

I'm a 29-year-old gay guy who's not sure where to find what I'm looking for. I'm turned on by the idea of a dominant guy, but most guys I attract are pure vanilla. When I look at the fetish-friendly dating sites, most of the dom guys say shit like "If you have a list of things you will and won't do, you're not a sub." I want to give up control, but I don't want to be some guy's "bitch." Can there be dominance without degradation?

Needs Include Controlling Empathy

The dominant boyfriend you're looking for is out there somewhere. You just need to keep looking. And sometimes, dominant boyfriends are made, not born. By which I mean: Don't rule out the vanilla boys you attract. A guy who likes you is gonna want to meet your needs, sexual and otherwise. If you give a vanilla boy a chance, and you're honest about what turns you on, you may awaken something in one of those vanilla guys that would've lain dormant if it weren't for you.

And you were right to run from those dominant tops who insisted that "true subs" don't have preferences, limits or lists, NICE. Not even submissive guys who are into degradation and being someone's "bitch" should fall for — or submit to — that crap.

Your question last week from the guy who "stumbled over" his brother's femdom sex blog reminded me of a story: My little brother came out to my conservative-but-not-particularly-religious Jewish parents in 1995. It was rough. Our parents refused to help pay for my wedding because I insisted on inviting my brother and his boyfriend. Mom and Dad are now rightly embarrassed by their behavior and worship his husband. (It helps that my brother married a doctor — some stereotypes are true.)

Last year, my parents found out that my older brother — their straight son — is kinky. A vindictive ex hacked into his email and sent a letter to everyone in his address book. Big bro has a dungeon, he's made BDSM porn. The email came with pictures no mother would want to see. Mom, distraught, called her gay son: "Why can't Josh have a normal relationship!" she cried. "Like yours!"

So far as Mom is concerned, her gay son is normal and her straight son is a freak. Is that progress?

Brothers Done Shocking Mom

I don't know whether it's progress, BDSM, but it's hilarious. And I trust that you're sticking up for your kinky straight brother just like you stuck up for your gay brother.

Be sure to listen to me interrogate Ira Glass on the Savage Lovecast this week — when he's allowed to make fart jokes, he's a whole new man:

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