Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Some people love conflict and drama, and it's for the best when two drama-seeking conflictophiles marry each other.


I broke up with a girl who wasn't hot enough for me. I tried my whole life to not be that kind of guy. I treated her carelessly because she wasn't that important to me. I was self-indulgent and rude and disrespectful, and it made her cry. She's perfectly attractive, but not in an obvious way. I don't want to abandon her, because she is a pillar of support that I truly need. She's the first girl I ever fucked, and I'm the first guy she ever dated. She is 28 and I am 24. We have known each other for one year. Is it a bad idea to maintain a relationship with her? Would it be better to end all contact? What is a man who is pathologically worried about being an asshole to do?

Must Remain Anonymous


So … you were a virgin at age 23 when you met this woman. Hmm.

I'm guessing you're not all that conventionally attractive yourself. You're attractive, of course, but in the same way that, say, your ex-girlfriend is attractive. Perfectly attractive. Just not obviously attractive. Not hot.

But you want a woman who's objectively hot. And you may get one. There are lots of obviously hot women out there with guys who aren't anywhere near as hot. Helps if the dude's a billionaire. But if you had to wait until age 23 for a woman who was willing to fuck you and put up with your shit, the wait for a hot woman who'll fuck you and put up with your shit could be a long one. But you can live in hope.

What you can't live in is an alternate reality where you haven't been an asshole. You emotionally abused this woman for failing to be something she wasn't when you met her. You weren't obligated to stay with her forever just because she was kind enough to fuck you and put up with your shit, of course. But you were obligated to treat this woman with kindness and consideration. 

Under the circumstances, it's best to end all contact. It's nice that you're willing to keep her in your life to get the support you need, all while providing her with jack shit in return --  no, wait. That's just more assholery. Cut her from your life. It's the only decent thing to do. It may be the only decent thing you've ever done for her.

I'm an 18-year-old girl in my freshman year at university. I moved into an apartment with three roommates: awesome party girl, my long-term boyfriend and a new guy.

Here's the problem: I don't have an out-of-this-world libido. My boyfriend doesn't mind and seems content. But I want to fuck the new guy's brains out all the time. I love my boyfriend, and this other guy is not my type in any way. I am NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend, but I don't know what to do!

Feelings Are Not Technically Alright Sometimes, Y'know?


First potential explanation: Like most 18-year-olds, you don't know your hole from an ass in the ground. Part of dating is discovering what you want. Sometimes what you think you want isn't what you actually want. So it's possible that your long-term boyfriend is a nice, good, attractive guy. But he's not the kind of nice, good, attractive guy who turns you on. So your libido may be just fine, FANTASY, it's just that you have yet to date a guy who cranks it into gear. This other guy might indeed be your type. You just don't know it yet.

Second potential explanation: Women tend to be attracted to one type of guy when they're not ovulating (nicer guys: good parents and helpful partners) and a different type of guy when they are ovulating (rougher guys: lousy parents and worse partners). Lots of women in long-term, stable relationships with nice guys enjoy manly-man eye-candy when they're ovulating -- and then fuck their nice guy's brains out. But you're going to complicate your life considerably if you live with both types.

What to do? Well, if it's explanation No. 1, dump your boyfriend and date your roommate. If it's explanation No. 2, ogle your roommate and fuck your boyfriend.

A gay couple, friends of mine, just announced their wedding in Vancouver. They've broken up and reunited countless times; they fight and cheat on each other. I suspect this will be one of those marriages that will collapse quickly. So it occurs to me: How much social pressure will there be for gay married folks not to get divorced? After all, the homophobes will soon use gay divorce rates as an argument against gay marriage, right?

The Straight Best Man



Half of all opposite-sex marriages end in divorce, which makes it pretty easy to deflect arguments about a gay divorce proving that same-sexers aren't worthy. And divorce -- access to the courts to divide up property, work out custody arrangements, etc. -- is one of the important rights that comes with marriage.

And did you know that the first same-sex couple to legally wed in Canada, and the first same-sex couple to legally marry in the United States, wound up divorcing? No, because evangelical Christians haven't made it an issue. Probably because the divorce rate among conservative evangelical Christians is higher than the divorce rate among less batshit Christians, nonbelievers and Americans in Massachusetts. The haters don't want to make divorce an issue because it makes them look bad.

As for your friends …

Some people love conflict and drama, and it's for the best when two drama-seeking conflictophiles marry each other. Once you realize that both parties are equally awful, and two innocent people were spared when these two fuckers found each other, you don't have to pretend you give a flying fuck about their drama.

So when asshole Adam goes, "Steve cheated on me!," you go, "He's cheated on you before. And it's only a matter of time before you cheat on him. Again. Now, how about Occupy Wall Street? About fucking time, huh?"


Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

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