Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

My husband and I recently realized that in order for us to remain happily married, we need to fuck other people.

Enter the boyfriend. This 20-year-old hunk has opened the sexual floodgates, and tales of our exploits have made things even hotter between my husband and me. Everybody's happy!

So what's the problem? Well, after numerous sexual encounters, my new lover has yet to get an erection. I know he's been able to get it up with previous partners, so maybe there's a part of his brain that doesn't want to bone a married woman? I've made it clear to him that there is no pressure. He insists our current activities are incredibly satisfying. But how can I coax this young man's erection out of hiding?

Nouveau Mrs. Robinson


Before I get to your question, I need to address the recent Arnold Schwarzeneggerunpleasantness.

I'm getting a lot of mail from people insisting that it's all my fault. The affair, the love child, the split with Maria Shriver -- I'm apparently to blame for everything. This is the case because (1) I'm a big proponent of nonmonogamous/monogamish relationships and (2) aging Hollywood action stars don't get erections without checking in with me first. And look at the chaos that nonmonogamy creates! Failed marriages! Devastated children! Scandalous scandals!

In my defense, Arnold wasn't in a nonmonogamous relationship. Arnold failed at monogamy. If there is a lesson to be drawn from the Schwarzenegger unpleasantness, it's not that honest nonmonogamy never works. Rather, it is the critical importance of anal intercourse.

And bear in mind that you rarely hear about honest nonmonogamous relationships that work -- or marriages like Mr. and Mrs. NMR's, that were saved by nonmonogamy. We tend to learn that someone is in a nonmonogamous relationship when it implodes and people start looking for something to blame. Even if it had nothing to do with the breakup.

On to your problem, NMR ...

I can't tell you what's wrong with your hunk's dick -- it could very well be the infamous limpothalamus (that would be the part of the brain that doesn't want to bone a married woman; most men don't have one). But I can tell you that you're doing everything right. You're not pressuring him, you're taking pleasure in him regardless, and you're not neglecting your husband. And if your hunk was getting it up for his previous partners, it's only a matter of time before he's getting it up for you.

But was he getting it up for his previous partners? Unless you've seen some video -- and that's video we'd all like to see -- all we have to go on is his word. Young hunks with erectile problems will sometimes lie to their partners and refuse to speak to doctors. But your hunk has someone older and wiser telling him what to do. And you're going to tell him to talk with a doctor.


Is it better to stay with your overweight wife -- who happens to be the mother of your infant daughter -- and cheat on her to get sexual gratification (and be a shit of a husband) or leave her (and be a shit of a father)?

Almost Twice The Wife


Cheating shit or leaving shit ... are those your only options?

If they are, then stay and cheat. Abandoning an infant -- and abandoning someone with an infant -- is a shit move. So is cheating, but it's slightly less shitty.

Here's another option: You could go without for six months or a year -- you know, like most new parents.

You were presumably attracted to your wife before the baby ... otherwise there would be no baby, right? And presumably, the mother of your infant daughter is going without right now, too, as she's probably too exhausted to bother with sex. Because she just had a baby. She also may not be feeling it for her asshole husband, whom she senses doesn't find her attractive in her current state -- a state he helped put her in.

You knocked the wife up knowing that pregnancy and its tragic aftermath, a.k.a "parenting," leave new moms with very little time for the gym. If you expected your wife to bounce back to her pre-baby weight in 10 weeks, then you needed to get her two nannies, a personal trainer and a full-time nutritionist.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on you. For all I know, your wife is one of those spouses who abandon routine physical maintenance once the first kid arrives -- because hey, now you're stuck! Forgoing routine physical maintenance is the mother of all take-you-for-granted moves, and it can constitute grounds for cheating and/or leaving. (Normal and natural aging, health issues that make routine maintenance impossible, etc. do not constitute such grounds.) But it's too soon to know if your wife is one of those lousy take-you-for-granted spouses, as your daughter is still an infant.

Masturbate, help out, make sure your wife has the free time she needs to take care of herself, and you may find that you don't have to be any sort of shit.


I'm writing about the "Choicer Challenge" you've issued to bigots who say that being gay is a choice. I think you've set yourself up for a possible failure here, Dan.

I'm a straight guy. I am also a stubborn motherfucker. If I were one of those choicers, I would suck your dick just to win the argument. That's why the Choicer Challenge should say that they have to suck you off while maintaining a glass-cutting boner. I could probably will myself to blow you to prove a point, but willing myself to get hard during it? Not possible!

Bone Machine


Good point. The Choicer Challenge is hereby amended to include the production of a glass-cutting boner while blowing me. I'm waiting for your call, John "Choicer" Cummins.


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