Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

My life is not horrible. I'm pretty well-off. I go to college in Bellingham, Wash. -- the weed is awesome, the weather is great, and there are lots of hot guys. But! I'm a homo. And I didn't know how horrible my life was until I got here.

It seems like every gay/queer person involved in anything gay/queer on campus has this idea that gay people are SO oppressed that we need to constantly discuss it and feel like victims. We are a ways away from equality, and I recognize this. But it seems like the constant thread on college campuses for queers -- other than talking about Lady Gaga or sucking dick -- is complaining about how oppressed queer people are.

How do I respectfully say, "STFU, we're doing just fine, you white, upper-class American kids," without sounding like an insensitive assdouche?



When I came out to my parents in 1981ishwhateversomething, telling my mom and dad that I was gay didn't just mean telling them I liked to kissandotherstuff boys. It meant telling them I would never marry, never have children and never be a Marine. At least that's what I thought I was telling them. But here we are, three short decades later, and I'm married. I have a child. And now I can be a Marine. (Not that I want to be a Marine anymore. After seeing a pic of a shirtless Navy Seal in last week's New York Times, I want to be a Navy Seal.)

And I live in Seattle, where the weed is awesome (I'm told), the weather is great (if you like to snowboard), and the boy I marriedandkissandotherstuff is a lotta hot guy.

Things have gotten better -- and not just for me.

We have work left to do. We have full civil equality to secure, homo- and transphobic violence to confront, bigoted lawmakers to defeat (hey there, Rick!). We can't ignore the bashings ( and outrages ( and tragedies ( But we shouldn't be so in love with our victimization -- or so insecure about our progress -- that we can't acknowledge the triumphs ( and joys ( and Navy Seals (

So I'm with you -- up to a point.

I disagree about the STFU part. You don't have to hang out with LGBT activists who aren't capable of fighting the good fight while also appreciating the good things about their lives. Not all LGBT activists are humorless scolds. Some are, for sure (and they tend to be over-represented on college campuses), but there are plenty of people who can organize a protest one night and a good party the next.

Guys like you and me, who have it pretty good, have to remember that there are LGBT folks who have it lousy, and not all of them are in a position to speak up for themselves. There are bullied and isolated and abused LGBT kids out there who don't live in places like Bellingham or Seattle, who don't have the support of their parents, and who aren't "doing fine." If we don't speak up for those kids, who will? 

Not all LGBT people are doing fine, just as not all LGBT people are white or upper-class or in college or lucky enough to live in Bellingham. If you're in a position to do something, you should. You don't have to pretend to be any more oppressed than you are. But you should do something.

The only thing more annoying than a whiny, college-age queer with a persecution complex is a smug, college-age queer who takes his good fortune for granted.


I'm a 26-year-old lady who just broke up with a man I thought I wanted to marry. We had incredible, playful sex, were very kind to each other, are both a little queer, and share many interests in spite of our 20-year age difference.

Six months into our relationship, I moved to a bigger city four hours away, and we could see each other only every other weekend. Because of our careers, it wouldn't be possible for us to live in the same place again for at least two or three years. That was one reason I broke up with him. I also feared that he needed to be with a man. He's definitely bi, but he's never been with a man. Part of me is excited to be free to explore my new city on my own. Part of me thinks I really fucked up a kind, fun -- if slightly flawed -- relationship. What do you think?

Drowning My Sorrows In Glee


I think it's a wonderful thing to be 26, bi, single, employed and living in a big city. I think that a guy who's single, bi and amazing in bed at 46 is likely to be single, bi and amazing in bed at 48. You should enjoy the next couple of years, and then revisit the issue of Mr. Wonderful if circumstances put you in the same place again.


I have to take you to task for your answer to Sent From My iPhone. You compared condoms and withdrawal as methods of birth control. As a former Planned Parenthood volunteer educator, I will tell you that, like withdrawal, condoms alone are NEVER a recommended form of birth control. To compare these two "methods" is irresponsible. In fact, condoms alone weren't even on our list of birth-control methods. The good news is that condoms PLUS spermicide were on that list. When used together and properly, condoms and spermicide are almost as effective as the pill in preventing pregnancy.

Loud Mouth About Birth Control


Thanks for sharing, LMABC.


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