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Savage Love 

Three months ago, my girlfriend dumped me because I was going into the military. The one great thing about her was that she opened me up. At 22, I'd been in only a few other relationships. The sex with her was amazing, and she opened me up to different things (kinks, dirty talk, foreplay). I am going into the Army and don't want to get into a serious relationship, but I'm having a hard time finding people willing to have casual-yet-kinky sex. I tried online, but the minute someone sees the "going into the Army" portion of my profile, they assume I'm a conservative prick. But I am liberal and just looking to have some NSA sex before I leave for the Army. Help!

Kinky Open-Minded Soldier


If the "going into the Army" portion of your profile is preventing you from finding kinky sex partners, omit the "going into the Army" portion of your profile. You don't need to disclose your hopes, dreams and political leanings to potential NSA hookups, particularly if you feel that your plans are prejudicing kinksters against you.

But I'm not sure the Army portion of your profile is the issue. There are a lot of conservative kinksters out there (I hear from them whenever I tear into a conservative politician), and there are a lot of liberal/hippie kinksters who are attracted to military guys despite their politics (I hear from them whenever they want permission to cheat on their pansy-ass, hypersensitive hippie boyfriends with gruff 'n' buff military guys).

Have a kinky and/or adventurous friend take a look at your profile. It could be that some other part is giving off a creepy, unsafe or inept vibe -- do you mention that you hadn't heard of foreplay until you were 22? -- and it's that part that's turning off otherwise up-for-Army-boy kinksters.


I'm a youngish woman, currently involved in a great hetero relationship. The trouble is, I find sex profoundly boring. I get vaguely "horny" maybe twice a year.

Now I'm starting to wonder if being sexually uninterested disqualifies me from being with my BF. Judging from your past advice, it does. Is this something I should disclose? I enjoy the cuddling and kissing, talking and outings that are part of coupledom, and it pains me to think I'm doomed to be alone, forever, just because shoving genitals together sits at No. 48 on my priority list.

Please let me know what I should do. He's talking about a future together, and I am on the verge of confessing but afraid to lose him as well.

Doesn't Really Yearn


Either you've misread my past advice to the sexually disinterested, DRY, or you've read only mischaracterizations of my past advice on angry asexual blogs. So once more with feeling: Being asexual or minimally sexual does not disqualify you from having a relationship or enjoying all of the swell, non-genitalia-related things that come with coupledom. It does complicate your desire, however.

Because you shouldn't mislead your boyfriend about who you are.

At the moment, he assumes -- and it's an entirely rational assumption -- that you're attracted to him not just in the cuddling, kissing, talking and outing departments, but sexually as well. That you're not all that interested in sex is something he has a right to know before marriage.

But even if your BF leaves you, you're not necessarily "doomed to be alone." There are men who feel the same way about sex that you do. If your boyfriend dumps you, go find a very nearly asexual guy. And if you do wind up alone, no whining: There are lots of happily partnered asexuals out there -- and lots of sexuals who wound up alone.


My husband and I hired an electrician, whom I will call "Sparky." We hired Sparky once before, and he was completely professional. One quirk: He would call me "Ma'am" instead of my name.

Halfway through Sparky's four-hour rewiring marathon, he handed me an envelope and asked me to fill out a survey regarding his service. I read the following: "My name is Mistress [REDACTED] and I control the male who gave you this letter. He and I live the lifestyle of Female Supremacy. In our lifestyle, women issue direction and men obey."

The letter went on to ask for feedback about his performance, whether he was appropriately submissive, whether he addressed me as "Ma'am" or "Mistress," and it ended: "To obtain the best possible service, order this male to give you his key. Keep the key until you are completely satisfied with his attitude or work. Use him as you wish."

I don't know much about Dom/sub culture, but I can't shake the feeling that I was unwittingly included in Sparky's sex life, and that totally creeps me out. Am I wrong?

Apparently Naive Housewife


You were dragged into Sparky's sex life when he made the choice -- perhaps he felt he was just following orders -- to hand you that envelope. Which was rude and unprofessional.

Most women who aren't interested in sharing an erotic moment with Sparky -- because they're not into Dom/sub play, or not into Sparky -- would feel uncomfortable reading that letter. Some women, to say nothing of their husbands, would feel deeply violated. Making women feel uncomfortable in their own homes by springing your erotic submission on them -- and requiring them to participate without first obtaining their consent -- is sexual aggression masquerading as erotic submission.

Professional Dom, sex bomb and sex blogger Mistress Matisse ( agrees with me: "That's totally inappropriate," Matisse said in an e-mail. "If his Mistress really exists, then they are both complicit in creepiness. It's also quite possible that he has no female partner; he just says so as part of his fantasy."

If I were you, I wouldn't hire Sparky again. Not because I would mind having a submissive electrician around the house -- that sounds like fun, actually -- but because I wouldn't want an electrician who displayed poor judgment and had no boundaries.


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