Savage Love | Opinion | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

I am a straight man, blissfully married to my soul mate. We have explored and enjoyed each other for a decade now, and we recently started exploring BDSM and D/s fantasies. Everything was going great -- until last night.

Two years ago, my wife expressed an interest in an MMF three-way, where I was the Dom guiding the action. I planned this event, play by play. There were many conversations about expectations, stipulations, etc. All bases covered, I went into the event mentally prepared and gleefully excited. Magic happened for about two hours.

Then my wife was vaginally penetrated by our friend.

It was as if all the air in the room was sucked out through my soul. I instantly lost my boner, and I felt angry and nauseated. I had to stop the scene. My friend and my wife instantly tended to me. The sorrow of disappointing my wife hurts the most. I had planned how everything was going to happen. I even gave the command for my friend to enter my wife. Crushing emotional pain followed.

In the morning, my wife woke me and made love to me, tenderly and healingly. I am still beset by all manner of doubts and insecurities. Is my dick big enough? Am I good enough for her sexually?

I feel scared and trapped in a land called Insecurity.

Heartbroken Dom


You're clearly in pain, and I want to be sensitive ... but ... your overwrought prose style has me wondering if you're enjoying this drama a bit. Maybe that's just the way you talk -- maybe you always sound like a Brontë sister after a three-day bender -- but there's a self-dramatizing tone to your e-mail that gives me pause.

I'm not saying that your pain isn't sincerely felt. But your meltdown effectively ended a scene in which all attention was focused on your wife and started a new scene in which all attention was focused on you. As you wander the heaths of Insecurity, I'd encourage you to examine your subconscious for drama queendom.

That said, sometimes three-way reality is a lot more emotionally charged than three-way fantasy. Perhaps you didn't realize how shattering it would be to watch this man bone your wife until the moment that he boned your wife. Like they say: Hindsight/sex-advice columnists is/are 20/20/a bitch.

Let your experience be a lesson for others: If there's a sex act that holds huge symbolic importance for you or your partner, it might be best to take that act off the menu. Take things slow the first, second and third time: Invite your guest star to participate in some lower-stakes sex acts, but reserve the main event for yourself.

Only the passage of time will lead you out of Insecurity. You'll come to believe that, yes, you are good enough for the wife sexually because you're going to keep having great sex. You'll come to believe that she's content with you when you close your relationship and she isn't chomping at the bit to fuck other guys.


I have a rent-boy etiquette question. Recently, a client of mine invited me to join him at a resort where he was meeting up with friends. This included a nice-looking man who lives near me, whom I will call "Three." My client has been lusting after Three for a long time, and my job was to act as bait to lure Three into a three-way with my client and me. Things went really well, and the three-way happened on Saturday night and again on Sunday morning.

Here is the problem: I don't think my client informed Three that I was there in a professional capacity. So from Three's perspective, I sought him out, flirted shamelessly and had really hot sex with him. It goes against whore protocol to "out" a client, and I suspect my client did not want Three to know I am a rent boy.

I would feel pretty stupid if I thought a man was really into me, only to later find out he was just doing his job. Three's feelings are bound to be bruised. I want to be respectful of my client's confidence, but I don't feel comfortable tossing Three aside like a used tissue. There is a real possibility that I will be seeing him in the future, since we move in similar circles. Is this my client's faux pas, or is there some rent-boy protocol I should have followed?

Awkwardly Socializing Soon


If Three didn't know you were a rent boy, ASS, then Three's consent was obtained under false pretenses. That's not OK. And you were an active participant in this deception.

You're a rent boy, not a rent bot -- you don't have to do everything a client asks. You could have agreed to flirt with Three, but you should have insisted to your client that your employment status be revealed to Three at some point between flirtation and fellatio.

I think you can be released from the bonds of strict client confidentiality on this occasion. If you run into Three, and he seems hurt or confused, let him down gently. Tell him he's an attractive guy, tell him you enjoyed the hell out of those three-ways -- then tell him you were on a job, and you're sorry for not telling him sooner.


I'm a straight girl who made a resolution to seek out a couple for a three-way. With my boyfriend's full support -- he's the kind of guy who thinks three's a crowd -- I perused options online.

One gentleman caught my eye because he proclaimed on his OkCupid profile "Dan Savage is my rabbi." His lady friend was also a Savage lover.

We met up last night, and it was a beautiful event. Boundaries and excitements had been discussed beforehand, and three fun, sexy, fit twentysomethings had awesome sex. Great communication up front, great communication during, great communication after.

Thanks for your positive impact on the sex lives of people around the world.

Satisfied Girl


My pleasure, and thanks for sharing!


Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

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