DEAR READERS: I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. This week's column features three recent Savage Love Letters of the Day. (The SLLOTD goes out to folks who have the Savage Love app for iPhone and Android.) I'll see you in two weeks.
I'm 16 and I like my friend's mom who is 35. She's married and has two kids. But I really like her. What should I do?
Help One Really Needy Youth
Here's what you shouldn't do: You shouldn't say anything — not to your friend, not to your friend's mother — and you shouldn't try anything.
Here's what you should do: You should masturbate about your friend's mom as much as you like — and you should take the advice I gave another horny 16-year-old boy a couple of years back (who happened to be gay, but the advice still applies):
"Worry less about getting your 16-year-old self laid and more about getting your 20-year-old self laid. Get out of the house and do shit, get books and read shit, volunteer for a political organization and change shit. You'll have more boys to choose from in a few years and be a more interesting, informed and attractive guy thanks to all that doing, reading and volunteering. Beat off in the interim, but remember to vary your masturbatory routine (left hand, right hand; firm grip, soft touch; with toys, without; lots of lube, just a drop; etc.), and try to cultivate your own erotic imagination. (Translation: Don't jerk off to Internet porn exclusively; use your imagination once in a while.)"
Lots of straight boys have crushes on their friends' mothers. It's a fantasy that fuels entire porn genres. But a destroyed friendship, a broken family and, depending on age-of-consent laws where you live, a prison term for your friend's mom — those are high prices to pay for a few orgasms. That's assuming your friend's mom is even interested, which she almost certainly is not.
So beat off about her, HORNY, to your part's content. Then go do shit, go read shit and change shit. You'll meet girls, some closer to your own age, and be a more interesting, fuckable dude.
I have a boyfriend of two years. At the beginning of our relationship, I caught him cheating on me: He was talking to girls and they would send him pics. We worked everything out, but a few weeks ago, I caught him watching porn. It doesn't bother me that much, but could it lead to him cheating on me again?
Sent From The Savage Love App For iPhone
All men watch porn. Some claim they don't, some never get caught, but all men watch porn. If watching porn led to cheating, then all men would cheat. But not all men cheat. So we can safely say that porn viewing doesn't cause men to cheat. Thank you for playing Savage Love. (OK: A handful of men don't watch porn. But the chances of meeting a non-porn-watching guy are so small that we don't need to factor them into our equation.)
My girlfriend and I have an amazing time in bed and out. The only catch is her best friend and roommate, who she used to date.
Before they moved in together, the best friend demanded that every Sunday night be reserved for the two of them to hang out. OK, fine. But after they moved in together and saw each other every day, the practice continued. The ex complains when I spend the night with my girlfriend at her new digs. After the move, I was taking my girlfriend out on a date when she got a text from the ex asking where she was and why she wasn't home yet. My girlfriend got so upset, we had to call off the date.
I'm trying to be patient with what looks like controlling behavior, but it's incredibly frustrating to think I could lose this amazing girl if/when her ex issues an ultimatum. I don't want to turn into a resentful jerk who makes my girlfriend unhappy, but the conflicts with her roommate are already causing her stress.
Am I just being overly sensitive, or is it a red flag that this otherwise awesome relationship isn't likely to have legs?
Frustrated Lady
Your girlfriend is gonna have to decide who's more important to her: her current girlfriend or her ex-girlfriend. And she's gonna have to decide which feelings are more important to her: her current girlfriend's feelings or her ex-girlfriend's feelings.
But those might not be decisions she has to make right now.
You don't say how long you two have been together, and that's an important detail. You can't expect to come first if you've been dating this girl for only a few weeks. It's generally a bad sign when a person puts a brand-new girlfriend/boyfriend first; it's an even worse sign when a new/newish girlfriend/boyfriend demands to be put first. Dating is about discovery: You spend time with a person to determine whether they're the one you want to put first "for the rest of your life." (In theory, anyway.) During this trial period, your girlfriend's close friends and family members, and even her manipulative ex, may have a stronger and more legitimate claim on her time than you do.
So if it's been less than 12 weeks, I would say your girlfriend's willingness to prioritize her creepily controlling ex could be excused. But if you've been dating for longer than three months, and are serious about each other, but your girlfriend still abandons you whenever her ex snaps her fingers ... well, that's a very bad sign. Your girlfriend may have a seriously dysfunctional emotional entanglement with an ex. If that's the case, I see confrontations, ultimatums, tears, broken leases and other dramas coming your way.
Decide now whether your current girlfriend is worth the grief.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
