I'm a 23-year-old male who has never been in a relationship. I never have the courage to go ask anyone out. I dread rejection. Compounding this problem: I might be bisexual. I'm afraid to reveal this to anyone. I've wasted 23 years of my life because of my fear of being rejected -- by everyone, including my conservative family. Any advice?
Hopefully Not Hopeless
Buck up, HNH.
Most people don't start dating until their late teens, so you haven't wasted 23 years. You've wasted five or six years -- eight on the outside. And your "wasted years" weren't entirely wasted, were they? Presumably you were doing something more than pining away and jerking it: You were getting an education, seeing a movie now and then, having a decent meal once in a while, etc.
Overcoming your paralyzing fear of rejection is something for which you may need the help of a therapist and a pharmacist. But you don't have to be on meds to hear this: Rejection is a necessary part of romance. Getting a "yes" from someone we asked out, asked to peg us, asked to marry us, etc., wouldn't be meaningful if we got a "yes" from everyone we proposed marriage and/or pegging to, right?
As for your bisexuality …
Men -- gay, straight, bi -- tend to be huge sluts. So if you want to get a little experience, make your first moves on people who are less likely to reject you and hit on some horny, hard-up gay or bi dudes.
You should also head to bisexual websites for support. A good place to start is www.binetusa.org. There are lots of bi folks out there who've come out to their families, who've overcome their fear of being rejected, and who know that bisexuality can attract partners who view bisexuality as a plus. Talking with other bi folks will help.
Finally, bisexual guys don't have to settle for straight girls who don't understand or gay dudes who can't deal. There's no law against bisexuals dating other bisexuals. And your big reveal -- "I'm bisexual" -- should you find yourself dating a straight girl? It could be worse …
In a couple of weeks I will be following your advice and disclosing the full scope of my sexuality to my girlfriend. I am a 32-year-old male. We have been dating for two years. She knows that I have a pantyhose fetish and she wears nylons whenever I ask. She doesn't know that I also love to wear pantyhose, and that when I do I have intense homoerotic fantasies. She doesn't know that I also have a foot fetish and a cocksucking fetish, both directly associated with the pantyhose fetish. I intend to tell her everything. But how do I start?
Bi Pantyhose Guy
If you had followed my advice, your girlfriend would already know about your pantyhose/foot/cock fetishes. Your kinks aren't first-date conversation topics -- no one's kinks are -- but a woman has a right to know about kinks like yours before she's invested two years in a relationship.
Start the conversation like this: "Honey, I'm a much kinkier boy than I've led you to believe." Be kink-positive and unapologetic -- about your kinks. You should be somewhat apologetic about waiting two years to lay your kink cards on the table.
You should also avoid the phrase "cock fetishist." If you have homoerotic fantasies only during your solo pantyhose masturbate-a-thons, you may be less into sucking cock and more into what sucking cock symbolizes during those pantyhose-charged moments: A dick in your mouth brings your feminization to a climax -- er, crescendo -- completing your transformation into a crossdressed, cock-hungry slut. For many men like you, a dick is a talismanic toy, not an identity-altering taste.
But if you say "cock fetish," your girlfriend is likely to hear "closeted, cock-hungry fag." Better to tell her that when you're wearing pantyhose, you get into fantasy role-play scenarios in which you assume the feminine role. She may not be ready to see you with a man, but she could be up for seeing you sucking on the dildo she strapped on for your talismanic pleasure.
I recently told my girlfriend of seven months that I have a foot fetish. Since then, she's been asking questions like, "Would you put your thumb up my butt?" I quickly say, "Of course." She comes back with, "Would you poop on me?" I'm a bit slower to answer, but I say, "Yes, if that's something you wanted." Then she laughs and tells me, "Raise your standards."
Is she secretly into these things and afraid to tell me? A part of me is hoping there is something kinky she's after, since it would free me up to go to town on her feet.
Honestly Into Nasty Things
Kink cards on the table at seven months: Well done, HINT. As for these bizarre conversations …
Either your girlfriend is worried that you've got kinks you haven't told her about yet, or she believes that having a kink means a person has no boundaries at all. She's latching onto worst-kink scenarios, and seeing whether you'll "go there," because it confirms her prejudices that there's nothing a kinky person won't do.
You didn't do yourself any favors when you agreed to shit on the girlfriend. Instead, tell your girlfriend she should be thankful she's dating an honest foot fetishist and not a dishonest necrophiliac -- your kinks could be worse -- and let her know that you're ready, willing and able to explore her kinks, if she has any. But then list a few of the things you won't do. (Shit on her, for one.) And when she's ready to share her kinks with you, tell her she knows where to find you: on the floor, going to town on her feet.
Confidential to everybody: Don't think a guy in pantyhose can be hot? Check out the insanely hot guys -- in pantyhose, panties and camisoles -- at www.xdress.com. Then answer this question: Are these guys so hot they'd be hot in anything, including panties, or do panties make these hot guys even hotter?
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
