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Savage Love

If he brings up other men, go to the kitchen and have some ice cream.

I love my husband of 20 years, but our sexual differences are putting a strain on our marriage. Ten years ago, he asked me to talk dirty to him about having sex with other men. It has progressed to him wanting to be a cuckold. I only want to be with him, but he presses the issue by verbalizing cuckold situations during sex. This makes me close my eyes and shut down. By the time he is done, I have no desire to orgasm because I no longer feel attractive. The only way he can get off is to talk about, think about, or hear me talk about having sex with other men. It makes me feel worthless as a sex partner — which is crazy, because I am attractive and open to a great deal of things. I long for him to touch me, kiss me and look at me the way he used to. He is a good father and a good provider, and I love him. But this is crushing my self-esteem. 

Extremely Frustrated Female Experiencing Despair

Your husband was probably reading cuckolding blogs for years before he worked up the nerve to raise the subject, EFFED, and here's what he's gleaned: Husband brings it up, wife shoots it down, husband whines, wife agrees to explore it as fantasy only and then one day — after months or years of dirty talk — wife announces she wants to give it a try. She winds up loving it, and husband lives happily ever after in cuckolded bliss. 

Reading so many cuckolding success stories — many likely fictitious — has left your husband convinced that if he keeps at it, one day you will want to try it. (Some wives do try it and like it. I got a letter from a woman who's angry that her husband — after years of dirty talk and a half-dozen cuckolding experiences — decided it isn't for him after all. She doesn't want to go back to sleeping with just him. Dr. Cuckenstein created a monster.)

Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hear about cuckolding anymore. He is free to think about whatever he wants to during sex — we all are — but he has to keep his cuckolding fantasies to himself. No more closing your eyes and waiting for him to finish. (And what kind of asshole can finish under those circumstances?) If he brings up other men, go to the kitchen and have some ice cream. Your husband needs to find a new erotic script that works for you both. The incentive for him: Since you are open to many things, a fantasy scenario that turns you on is likely to become reality pretty quickly.

Finally, cuckolds don't see their wives as unattractive. Cuckolds see their wives as so desirable — and so insatiable — that they're incapable of giving their wives all of the sexual attention they deserve. I can see why you're upset: You want sex to be about the two of you, and your inconsiderate husband is always running his mouth about people who aren't in the room. But your husband's fantasies don't mean he finds you unattractive — they mean the exact opposite.

I am a 28-year-old married straight male. I have a lot of confusion regarding my sexual orientation and gender identity, and I am in therapy. My question is about my current self-pleasuring routine. I get high and watch "sissy self-hypnosis" videos. These videos consist of text, pictures and subliminal suggestions aimed at hypnotizing straight males into some kind of "mind control" sex slavery. Some are about cuckolding and femdom; some are about being brainwashed into sucking cock. It is all done in a really amateurish and (hopefully) ineffective way. Am I destroying my brain here?

Man Wondering About Hypnosis

I haven't encountered any glassy-eyed straight guys offering to suck cock, so I'm thinking these videos are ineffective. They sound like a harmless way for an otherwise healthy, stable straight guy to fantasize about ceding his power to people the culture taught him to regard as inferior, i.e., women and fags. That said, it doesn't sound like you're an otherwise healthy, stable straight guy. You're confused about your sexual orientation and gender identity, and you're working with a shrink. So you might wanna avoid these videos for the time being.

My husband had an affair for eight months. He also blew through our savings and racked up considerable credit-card debt. The college fund for our two children is gone. He spent all of the money on dinners, gifts and vacations for his girlfriend. I am so angry, I can't imagine staying. My husband ended the affair and wants desperately to save our marriage. As much as it pains me to subject my kids to divorce, I don't know if I can commit to him again. Is the best option to DTMFA?


Sexual infidelity is one thing — a relatively common thing — but we're not talking about one thing here. We're talking about a whole series of betrayals. Your husband betrayed you sexually and financially. He stole from his own children. 

We all experience temptation. But I cannot wrap my head around how someone could spend his own children's college fund — and his family's savings — on gifts, trips and meals for his piece-of-shit on the side. (Not all "other women" are pieces of shit, but anyone who would allow her married lover to spend that kind of money on her in eight months is a flaming piece of shit.)


It's advice, not binding arbitration. You can make up your own mind. And while I couldn't see staying if I were in your shoes, I could see myself meeting with a marriage counselor a few times before pulling the plug — for the sake of the kids.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan reveals how to get straight women to dive into casual sex, and Lindy West talks about men who think your vagina is disgusting:

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