Put Up or Shut Up | Vox Pop | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Put Up or Shut Up 

Who's going to ante up the cash for a liberal network?

Talk is cheap. Richard Mellon Scaife is not. At least not when it comes to attacking liberals. Scaife is the titular head of the vast right-wing conspiracy, heir to the Mellon bank fortune and publisher of the notoriously right-wing Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. And the head tit lets the mother's milk of politics (money, in other words, for the cliché-challenged among you) flow into various media projects designed to destroy liberals. Can the liberals fight back?

AnShell Media of Chicago has been trying to form a liberal radio network. Time magazine reports Al Gore is looking into a liberal TV network. You want to know why liberals still don't have a network? Because they're too freaking cheap. I talked to a major player in the radio effort recently, and I was told that investors are scarcer than Santorum staffers at a Log Cabin Republicans convention.

Do you think Dickie Cougar MellonScaife gave a rat's anus about whether the Arkansas Project, which dug up dirt on the Clintons and printed it in the American Spectator and other periodicals, made any money? Do you think Dick sat in his office and said, "Gee, I'd like to combat liberalism, but I sure don't want to put up cash if it's not a solid investment"?

No, dammit. Scaife said, "Get my checkbook: We're going to pay reporters and private dicks and gypsies, tramps and thieves, and anyone with a pulse who's willing to dig up dirt on the Clintons, profits be damned!" Lo and behold, Dickie Cougar created buzz and momentum that damn near brought down a president.

So where are the liberals who want to fight fire with fire?

Nowhere, man. They're too busy being compassionate or profound or deep. They're volunteering at the homeless shelter, at least on Thanksgiving when the cameras are around. They're sitting around fashionable clubs with artsy décor shaking their heads about weapons of mass destruction and quagmires and such.

And that's fine. I'm glad they realize that the Unilateralbomber and his merry band of crazies are alienating the world and starting unnecessary wars. But we need some cash, dammit! Greenbacks, buckaroos. How are we going to elect a live president without a few dead presidents? Perhaps some live rich liberals need to be approached.

Barbara, you're like butter. And by that I mean rich. How about some cash?

Where's Woody Allen? We forgave him for marrying his stepdaughter. Where's Woody Harrelson? Put down the doobie and fork over the rubies. What about Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young? Dave, man, we don't need any more sperm for your favorite lesbians; we need cold hard cash. Neil, there are a lot more than four dead in Baghdad; we need to get the word out.

Phil, I'm sorry MSNBC canceled your show. But you're too big to be mere TV talent. Think entrepreneurial. "Is the dollar there? Is the dollar there!?" Didn't Marlo inherit anything from Daddy Danny's media empire? Where in the name of Hawkeye Pierce is Mr. Touchy-Feely, Alan Alda? What, you didn't get a cut of the rerun residuals? And what about Alan's partner Mike Farell? He's the poster child for compassionate liberalism. He's saved more whales than a Hollywood fat farm. Screw the whales, Mikey, show me the money!

Paging Mr. Cusack, Mr. John Cusack. What about Robert "Mucho" DeNiro? Isn't Warren Buffet kinda sorta liberal? Can't he make just one bad investment? How about Jimmy Buffet? Quit blowin' out your flip-flop and blow some cash on the cause. Alec Baldwin decided not to leave the country after all, but apparently his checkbook is in exile.

While we're playing catch-up, what about Theresa Heinz? I read she's not allowed to throw big bucks into semi-husband John Kerry's presidential bid. So how about a little do-re-mi for the liberal radio network? Yo, Teddy, "ahsk not" what liberal radio can do for you &.

Conservatives are supposed to be the greedy bastards too concerned about making money to waste it. We liberals are allegedly too concerned about the less fortunate to care about profits. Yet Dickie Cougar blows cash like a drunken sailor in a whorehouse, and liberal talk radio and TV die on the vine.

cheap: bigmouth liberals who refuse to put their money where their mouths are.

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