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Political Sven-gali

Santorum uses Scandinavians to confuse gay marriage issue

As the infamous quote from soon-to-be First Lady Teresa Heinz Kerry has it, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) is "Forrest Gump with an attitude." But in retrospect, Teresa was disrespectful: Mr. Gump was a kind and compassionate fictional character. It is doubtful he would have opposed gay marriage.


Forrest's momma used to say life is like a box of chocolates because of the mystery of what's inside. If the U.S. Senate is a box of chocolates, I've discovered the one with all the nuts. Sen. Rick Santorum is once again pulling reasons to oppose gay marriage, ironically, out of his butt.


Searching for a rational reason to fear two gay guys who seek to possess the same government blessing as Rick and Mrs. Rick, Santorum reached deep inside his butt and found Scandinavia.


Senator Rick says the gay marriage movement started in Scandinavia. He told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that as a result, traditional Scandinavian families are deteriorating. He offered no proof, because of course there is none. You would have to survey a lot of blond-haired, blue-eyed, funny-talkin' foreigners to find out EXACTLY why they're not getting married (assuming it's true) before you could blithely assert that Sven turned to Inga and said, "Vy should ve get married? Da homos are doing it, so it don't mean nuttin'."


Santorum asserts that gay and straight Scandinavians are marrying in smaller numbers because the institution has been devalued. Once again, Ricky, do you have any proof? It's my understanding that marriage has been trending downward all across Europe.


Whatever the truth is, what's so great about marriage?


There's a lot to be said for a good marriage, but since 50 percent of them end in divorce, maybe it's a good thing fewer people get married and undergo the pain (especially for kids) of divorce. There is no proof that having fewer marriages is a bad thing. There's plenty of proof that broken marriages have been a disastrous thing.


Log Cabin Republicans, the folks who somehow rationalize belonging to the radically intolerant Republican Party despite being gay, are aware that Tricky Ricky seems to dwell on this issue. "He has an unhealthy obsession with this," Log Cabin spokesman Mark Mead has told reporters.


There are some Republicans who haven't totally lost their minds. The proof is that while polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans oppose gay marriage, the country is evenly split when it comes to Dubya's shamelessly pandering proposal to amend the Constitution to stop it. And Dubya's California campaign co-chair in 2000, Congressman David Drier, said he couldn't support a constitutional amendment.


But Dubya has his election-year red herring, hiding behind the alleged evil-doing of so-called "activist judges" like those in Massachusetts. And even if an amendment were to pass (I believe it won't), it would be long after President Kerry beats that election-stealing punk like a rented mule. Stealing elections ... now that's something "activist" judges do.


"The breakdown of the family is something that we cannot afford in this country," says Ricky. It's a little late for that, Senator. Maybe if gay couples got married and set a good example for the rest of us, it might improve the state of the family.


"The right to sodomy is now a constitutional right. I would say that's messing around with the Constitution," says the senator, as he tries to justify amending the Constitution. I demand to know if Rick Santorum has ever gotten a blowjob, because that technically constitutes sodomy. History shows these sex-crazed Republican hypocrites are inevitably guilty of whatever their latest witch-hunt is railing about.


"The only way to stop this," says the Senator, "is through this messy process I wish I didn't have to go through." Bullshit. He loves every gay-bashing moralizing moment. This is his time. We have skyrocketing deficits endangering Social Security and young men and women are still dying to find the nonexistent WMDs. But we'll all be focusing on whether Biff and Ralph ought to be able to make it legal. I don't know who's dumber: the average American, or Senator Gump.

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