Letters to Pittsburgh Santa | News | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Letters to Pittsburgh Santa

What are locals asking for this year? Here’s what we think

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Dear Santa,

Please bring me a security system for my work email, and also more words to describe women’s breasts — the more demeaning and humiliating the better.


Supreme Court Justice J. Michael Eakin, I mean “John Smith” 

Dear Santa,

I could ask for every route in Pittsburgh to have a dedicated lane for bikes (like cars have!), but I understand this would piss off way more people than it would please. I get it — motorists don’t really like cyclists on the roads, even though they are legally allowed to be there. And I get that the city is working hard to add safe bike infrastructure one mile at a time. But until all of it is complete, my request is this: Please spread your jolly spirit to Pittsburgh drivers so they will be merry toward cyclists all year round. 

I am sick of getting yelled and honked at for going too slow while struggling up Pittsburgh’s steep hills. I am sick of my fellow cyclists being physically harassed by drivers on Butler Street who feel the need to exit their vehicles to confront a couple enjoying a leisurely ride. (A mail carrier even screamed at me to get off the road once!) 

I am also sick of seeing my bike friends being hurt or killed as a result of car crashes. Some year-round bike-related cheer might go a long way toward reminding drivers that respecting bikers on the road could mean avoiding the loss of a fellow Pittsburgher.

Additionally, I think you might be on my side because riding a bike emits zero greenhouse gases and helps to keep your lovely frozen paradise at the North Pole intact.

In exchange for my gift, I will try to stop completely at all stop signs from now on. But if I roll through one at 5 mph during a grueling uphill six-mile ride, remind drivers that they do this all the time and no one screams bloody murder at them.

Please remind drivers that my bike friends and I are just trying to be healthy, save money and help get more cars off the Pittsburgh streets, leaving those who chose to drive with less traffic deal with.


A Faithful Pittsburgh Bike Rider

Dear Santa

Please bring me some taxis because for the first time in 80 years residents are able get drunk at my restaurants. I can’t even remember what drunk people look like because it has been so long. Does Fort Pitt beer still exist? We may have only one tap of IC Light (what the heck is light beer, does it weigh less?) at one restaurant, but more are sure to come. Please help my residents get home safe.


The Borough of Bellevue

Dear Santa,

I know you’ve been busy making a list and checking it twice. But you know what I’ve been doing twice: THINKING before I flush my toilet. My sewage bill has risen the past two years, and there might not be an end in sight. I’ve heard I’m paying for some new pipes ’cause the government doesn’t like it when the old pipes overflow and our poo goes in the river. Sure, that is gross. But, until my paycheck goes up, I can’t be throwing the extra money I have down the porcelain throne every time I go to “see a man about a horse” or play “call of doody.” Honestly, I’m going to be driven to using nature’s lavatory real soon, a.k.a., the woods behind my house, where it’s free to wee! So could you do me a solid (no pun intended) and put a port-a-potty under my tree? 

Holding on ’til Christmas,

An ALCOSAN Ratepayer

Dear Santa,

Please keep Donald Trump in the headlines. He’s the only person in the world who makes me seem more tolerant and less racist, classist and homophobic.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (not Happy Holidays),

State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe

Letters written by Charlie Deitch, Ryan Deto, Ashley Murray and Rebecca Nuttall


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