One of our favorite childhood memories was sitting down and penning a letter to Santa Claus to lie about how good we’d been that year and to ask him to bring us wonderful gifts. But many adults still write to Jolly Old St. Nick. This year, we obtained letters to Santa — and by “obtained,” we mean “made up” — that offer a peek into what some notable folks in the region are asking for this Christmas.
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Please bring back my porn movies. At least I was serving a purpose.
The Garden Theater
It’s been a tough five years. I’m a Glock 43 semi-automatic 9 mm pistol, and five years ago I was “stolen.” Or was I “lost”? No one can say for certain because my disappearance was never reported. I’d tell you my serial number, but it was filed off when I went missing.
Seven years ago, the City of Pittsburgh passed a piece of legislation requiring firearm owners to report whether their weapons have been lost or stolen; that made me feel safe. I figured if I was ever lost or stolen, my owner would report it and maybe the police could find me before I get into some trouble. But I don’t think my owner ever told the police I was missing. I’m also hearing people aren’t getting punished for not filing reports because the mayor and police have never enforced the law. How can anybody find me if they don’t know I’m gone?
Since getting “lost,” I’ve been involved in a shooting and an armed robbery. They say the kid I killed was only 14. The boy who pulled the trigger was 15. The woman I was pointed at during the robbery looked terrified and started praying. I’ve also been exchanged once for heroin.
When I was created, I thought I’d spend my days pointed at bottles for target practice, or protecting my owner’s family. But I guess that’s not what my owner had in mind. If the police ever do find me, did you know that they’re required to return me to him, even though he couldn’t be bothered to tell them I was missing to begin with? What a jerk. I’m afraid if they give me back to him, he’ll just “lose” me again.
Please find me, Santa. If you do, maybe I could come live at the North Pole with you. I could help you protect the elves, reindeer and Mrs. Claus. Get a permit and I can even ride in the sleigh with you! After all, you know what they say, “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” And there’s no better guy than you, right, Santa?
Just another “lost” Glock
I’d like “The Rapper” introduced to a whole new generation by being covered by a hot young recording artist. (Maybe Mac Miller since he’s an actual rapper.) Anyway, I think the young kids would love it and the royalty checks would be all right by me.
I know I write to you every year and ask you for more and more extravagant gifts. While I have gotten so much joy out of the private chef, chauffer, private-jet access and a salary north of $5 million, I feel … I feel, hollow inside.
After all, Santa, how many times can a man eat roast beast in his private corporate dining room for breakfast every day? I don’t come to you with a request this year, Santa; instead I come with a promise — a promise to do better.
As I sit in my Grant Street lair and gaze upon all of the weary residents schlepping to and from their jobs, I realize that they deserve better from a health-care company like UPMC. They deserve access to the best doctors and facilities in the world at a reasonable cost. In network, out of network shouldn’t matter. What matters are the people of this city. So from today forward, we will give in-network access rates to all people!
Also, I realized that it’s not fair that we pay so little in property taxes for all of the land we own in Allegheny County. So starting today, we will pay reasonable tax rates and pay our fair share. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about our employees, Santa. We have fought tooth-and-nail against unionization for years now and have done a pretty good job of keeping our workers from unionizing. But why shouldn’t they receive a living wage for the hard work they’ve ….
Actually Santa, I was just reading this over and I’m not so sure about all of this stuff … um … yeah — actually, forget I said anything. Just bring me another plane … and an Xbox. I love blowing shit up on Call of Duty.
How about a full season without breaking, spraining or ripping something?
I’m writing to you for clarification about your designations of “naughty” and “nice.” It seems that people have used both terms to describe me over the past three years. Well, I guess if I’m being honest, no one probably actually has called me nice, but I feel like I’ve done some worthwhile things while in office. I have vigorously prosecuted sex offenders and child pornographers, so that has to be a favorable check on the ledger? I’ve also been working to expose the “good-old-boy” network in Harrisburg — a bunch of filthy old men sharing pornographic and misogynistic emails. Some of them have resigned and more probably will. Yay, me!
But here’s where things get dicey. You may have heard that I’ve gotten in some legal trouble myself for allegedly — and Santa, I can’t stress the word “allegedly” enough here — leaking grand-jury testimony, obstructing justice and lying to a grand jury. Also, I’ve had my law license suspended and the state Senate is trying to boot me from office. So Santa, I see where some people — mainly Republicans and my other (numerous) political enemies — might try to lobby for me to be on the naughty list. But Santa, this is all retaliatory. They’re out to get me because I released those emails.
Now, for full disclosure, some will ALLEGE that I did so only as political payback against a former employee who told the media that I halted prosecution of a sting operation that netted some high-profile Philly Democrats. But as I stand here today, Santa, I swear that evidence was no good. Although, I must admit that another prosecutor took that evidence and secured five convictions.
Look Santa, as you can see, this is a complicated issue with a lot of nuances and gray areas. If you can find your way clear to put me on the “good list” this year, I will take whatever gift you are willing to give. But if you are looking for suggestions, that law license would actually come in pretty handy.
Kathleen Kane, Pa. Attorney General (at least at the time this letter was written)