I don't get football. I never have, and I'm not interested in learning what all the fuss is about. Civic pride dictates that I hope for a Steelers win, of course, but my interest in watching the actual game is nil. So what's a non-fan to do?
In Pittsburgh, not even yoga offers a sanctuary. A recent class ended with "Namaste ... go Steelers!" On Super Bowl Sunday, Amazing Yoga is moving its Sunday class to an hour-earlier start time. Breathe Yoga canceled a yin yoga class outright.
People like me are considered very bad mojo at Super Bowl parties, and are often banned. I spent a fair portion of the 2006 game driving around utterly deserted, post-apocalyptic-looking city streets, killing as much time as I could before inflicting myself on the party where I eventually ended up. (I mostly hung out with the hostess' cats.)
A Facebook appeal for ideas about how to spend this year's Super Bowl drew mockery, with responses ranging from "I heard about a party in someone's pants. I think it was in Bloomfield" to "How DARE you even suggest such blasphemy." A Craigslist query netted offers of anonymous sex and assaults on my perceived sexual orientation.
The Manor and Squirrel Hill movie theaters both say they'll be open, but warn that if no one shows up, they'll darken their projectors. The big movie houses should be open, too.
I did find at least one game-day event billing itself as an "alternative" -- WYEP's very worthy Alternative Souper Bowl. The event at the East Liberty Borders bookstore features a live broadcast of local music, and asks attendees to bring a non-perishable food donation for a women's shelter. But the event only lasts from noon to 3 p.m., leaving plenty of time to spare for the Super Bowl itself.
Shopping seems like a reasonable alternative, and perusing a deserted store can be fun. But plenty of places are closed by 6 on Sundays anyway, and during an AFC Championship game, I was met with open hostility when I asked if they had the blue patent-leather pumps in a size 9.
Bars, of course, will be packed and crazed, and will descend into an orgy of delight or morass of despair after the game. A show at Belvedere's in Lawrenceville looks promising if you want something else to do. The rocking-off-of-faces begins as soon as the game ends, with local favorites the Burndowns and Savage Lines along with Paul Collins Beat and Gentlemen Jesse and His Men. According to organizers, it will feature "FOOD, BOOZE, BIG ASS TV'S, HOT BROADS, AND OTHER SHIT!"
Sounds pretty good to me.