Early in our relationship, like a great first date, HGTV and I were fast friends. Having not yet owned a house, it was fun to watch House Hunters to see what kind of prices, locations, and styles might be available to my wife and me. Sure, the hunters were mostly entitled 25-year-old dipshits with $750,000 budgets who brought their sorority sisters or cousin along to give them bad advice. But it was easy to ignore the turn-offs for some empty TV calories that would sustain me until a real meal came along.
Then I heard the term “open concept.” “OK. That sounds like some marketing bullshit,” I thought. Then I heard it again. Then every single house-hunter required an open concept, stainless-steel appliances, and a white-cabinet kitchen. I started getting tired. But like a Subway sandwich, which also makes me tired, HGTV got me where I needed to go until something better turned up. Well, I think I’ve finally found that something. It’s anything else!
I have hit the HGTV wall. Sure, there are handful of shows to choose from with a large variety of hosts who are all equipped with dynamic personalities. There’s the quirky, white host, who spends too much money on a remodel, shooting for the stars with a “super, high design.” There’s the fiscally conservative, white host who is responsible for the bottom line. Sometimes, these modern-day odd couples co-host the same show! Sometimes they’re even married or brothers or even A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER! It’s like the American government: so many different ideas and personalities, but somehow it all works.
There’s only so many times I can watch a person who couldn’t make their first passion financially viable buy a cheap piece of property, knock down every wall on the main floor, and paint the entire thing white. Maybe put “Live, Laugh, Love” on the wall somewhere or some fake books to flatter their clients who clearly don’t read. These people hate carpets more than terrorism, but they love wood rescued from almost anywhere.
Here’s a list of words and phrases I hope I never hear again: Demo Day; Shiplap; Reclaimed Wood; Super, High Design; Mudroom; Man Cave; Comps; Jack and Jill Sink; Soaker Tub; Stainless Steel Appliances; Drew; Scott; Jonathan; Open Concept; En Suite; “Hardwood throughout”; Two-car Garage; “Closer to the city”; Break-even; Max Budget; Over Budget; Steel Beam, Steely McBeam; HVAC, “Down to the studs”; Budget; Soft-Close Drawer; Quick Close; Site Unseen.
And with enough will power to find virtually anything else to do, I probably will never hear those words again. However, My Lottery Dream Home is still a gas. I’ll probably continue to watch that. And maybe Love It or List It … God damnit.