From Lifetime, the network that brought you Stalked By My Doctor, My Baby Is Missing, and Psycho-In-Law, comes A Very Nutty Christmas, an original holiday movie that may have broken my brain. It follows investment banker-turned-workaholic baker Kate Holiday (of course that’s her name, and of course she’s played by Melissa Joan Hart) who wakes up to find a handsome soldier who may or may not be Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Prince (7th Heaven heartthrob Barry Watson) asleep in her living room. He teaches her to love Christmas and so much more.
In order to fully process the experience of watching this film, I’ve decided to provide a timeline of my thoughts:
- Kate and her two co-workers, Rosa and Justin, have six days to make 19,000 cookies for the U.S. Army and Navy. I worked at a small, independently-owned bakery. This is impossible.
- This movie supports the troops.
- Kate’s actor boyfriend breaks up with her to focus on playing the town Santa Claus because – and I quote – it is one of the “most sought-after roles.”
- Kate tries to drown her breakup sorrows in a huge measuring cup of eggnog. I gagged.
- Kate’s best friends appear to be an unusually chipper single mom with six kids and the actress who played Berta on Two and a Half Men.
- “I don’t really believe in magic.” Famous last words, Kate.
- Kate broke the Nutcracker doll’s arm off. Will he have a detachable arm when he comes to life? (Sadly, the answer is no.)
- Kate thinks the man who suddenly appeared in her house dressed like a Nutcracker is her new roommate and is totally cool with it.
- Hart executive produced this movie, which means she was cool with all of this.
- Is the Nutcracker anatomically correct?
- Kate doesn’t bother to ask his name until 30 minutes into the movie. His name is Chip.
- Chip subsists on sugar and his catchphrase is “at your service,” which makes him a cross between Buddy the Elf and Westley from The Princess Bride.
- Who puts gumdrops on a cookie?
- The dress Kate chooses to wear to the town Christmas Ball is easily 90 percent tulle.
- Kate wins a cheese gift basket at a silent auction. She points at it and says, “There’s some Parmigiano” before the scene cuts. I laughed at this.
- When Kate’s
- Kate is completely unfazed when she realizes Chip is an actual Nutcracker.
- Kate: “He’s the wooden Nutcracker come to life!” Rosa: “So?” (Again, Hart approved this script.)
- Considering this town’s seemingly shallow dating pool, I can see why the women are totally willing to swipe right on a sentient Nutcracker.
- We have fake mustaches, I repeat, we have fake mustaches!
- Kate made up with Chip just in time for him to transform back into a doll. He will see her next Christmas.
- This is not the ending. The ending is more bonkers.
In conclusion, is this what the women who watch these kinds of movies secretly want? An amenable, life-size man-doll? If so, I know a company in Japan that can set you right up.