As alpha consumers, Americans love to buy pointless trinkets and disgusting convenience foods; we celebrate it as our defining characteristic. When the amount of marketing is inversely proportional to the value of the product, we're all in. And our corporate puppet-masters know this.
They also know that everybody on Twitter is an idiot, myself included, and will propagate their horrible brands if they figure out what makes a tweet work. Luckily for them, we have done all the work. And now brands like Sunny D (disgusting orange drink), Chipotle (bland rice with hormone meat), and McDonald’s (underpaying beef product company) are running rampant with “funny” tweets, ruining the very little goodness left on Twitter. Here are some of the worst:
RIP cursive— SUNNYD (@sunnydelight) January 22, 2020
There’s nothing funny about this tweet unless you are the kind of person who uses “enthusiast” in your bio or thinks it is interesting to argue about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Tell me what you think about the Oxford comma, Sunny D.
A fake ID but for every day of the year so you can get more free grand slams.— Denny's (@DennysDiner) January 17, 2020
365 fake IDs? That seems like a tremendous waste of resources.
It is with heavy hearts that we confirm that Mr. Peanut has died at 104. In the ultimate selfless act, he sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him most. Please pay your respects with #RIPeanut pic.twitter.com/VFnEFod4Zp— The Estate of Mr. Peanut (@MrPeanut) January 22, 2020
Don't encourage them, Oreo.
Meryl Streep gifs are an automatic disqualification. Even Meryl Streep is tired of Meryl Streep gifs.
The actual wake up call the day after Thanksgiving. pic.twitter.com/8EcARlh1eA— Charmin (@Charmin) November 29, 2019
Curb already did it.
Guy in the kitchen just said "Happy New Year" to me. It's too late for that, kitchen guy. We're just in it now.— Moosejaw (@MoosejawMadness) January 27, 2020
@ntmarkfdp is the real winner in this thread.
delete— Pop-Tarts - Be Here 2.2.20 (@PopTartsUS) November 6, 2019
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There are a million more of these kinds of tweets that I don’t have room to complain about. But if you really want to hate yourself and everything about the world, I recommend the feeds of Pop-Tarts, Reese’s, Wendy’s, Sunny D, Casper, Steak-umm, Moosejaw, and DiGiorno. Happy hunting.