Heinz curses Valentine's Day with big, cheesy bowls and ketchup-flavored chocolates | Food | Pittsburgh | Pittsburgh City Paper

Heinz curses Valentine's Day with big, cheesy bowls and ketchup-flavored chocolates

click to enlarge "ValenHeinz" Tomato Ketchup Truffles - PHOTO: HEINZ UK
Photo: Heinz UK
"ValenHeinz" Tomato Ketchup Truffles
Look, we get it — finding fun, new ways to promote a brand is difficult. That’s why companies like the Pittsburgh-based food giant Heinz pour millions into advertising — I would assume — in the hopes that creative people come up with something that makes flavored tomato condiments seem fresh and sexy.

And nothing says fresh and sexy like putting your kids into a carb-induced sleep so you and your partner can get it on. At least that’s what the Kraft Heinz company was going for with a Valentine’s Day campaign for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Big Bowls. They’re like regular instant mac 'n' cheese bowls but, you know, bigger.

In a confusing tidbit of information provided by a press release, Kraft Heinz says that the majority of parents “want to get intimate with their partner this Valentine’s Day,” but that children will prevent around 25% of them from actually getting it on. Announced right before the product is set to hit shelves, the company believes Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Big Bowls will give these sex-starved parents a safe and legal way to tranquilize their pesky kids. Just add water, microwave for three minutes, serve, and before you know it, it’s time to please your lovah.

“We decided to launch our new Kraft Big Bowls early to give parents what they really want on Valentine’s Day, some time to get it on,” says Kraft Heinz brand manager, Kelsey Cooperstein. “Kraft Big Bowls is an easy and kid-pleasing dinner solution with even more cheese and noodles than our microwavable Easy Mac cups, so parents can put their kids to bed and enjoy a night of romance.”
click to enlarge Mac 'n' cheese f*cks now. - PHOTO: KRAFT HEINZ
Photo: Kraft Heinz
Mac 'n' cheese f*cks now.
What’s confusing, however, is that Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Big Bowls will only be available online on Feb. 15 and won’t hit national retailers until March. Sorry, parents, guess you’ll just have to combine two small bowls of instant mac 'n' cheese if you want that sweet, sweet V-Day action.

But the big bowls aren’t the only thing Heinz is using to seduce Valentine’s Day consumers. Heinz UK released some special ketchup chocolate truffles just in time to show your sweetheart just how much you hate them.
The limited-edition "ValenHeinz" Tomato Ketchup Truffles were created in partnership with the candy company Fortnum & Mason, which described the delicacies as combining the “tart flavours” of Heinz ketchup with its “silky sweet chocolate ganache.”

As the Fortnum & Mason website so Britishly puts it, “While this seemingly forbidden match may fly in the face of all societal expectations, our Ketchup Truffles represent a love without prejudice. Think Romeo & Juliet without the misery, or Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Darcy without all the misunderstandings.”

Each box is priced at £19.95, about $25, and contains nine truffles in milk, dark, and white chocolate. For Americans looking to make an expensive mistake this Valentine’s Day (international shipping costs £15.00), you may be too late — only 1,000 boxes were created and they already sold out.

Lucky for you, there are plenty of heart-shaped Whitman’s Samplers to go around.

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