Hey, let me check out what’s going on on LinkedIn. Nothing’s going on! Because nothing worthwhile is ever happening on LinkedIn. People use LinkedIn, because LinkedIn told them to. LinkedIn has been used by sinners for centuries, dating back to when co-founders Reid Hoffman and Jean-Luc Vaillant discovered they had 1,576 mutual connections in the ninth circle of hell — all of which are in charge of distributing the health care open enrollment information to Satan’s forced laborers.
How many LinkedIn alerts do I get per week? Whatever the total amount of emails the social folder in my Gmail can hold at any given time. How many of those alerts are for me to wish a happy birthday to someone I don’t know? Pretty much all of them, with the exceptions of alerts asking me to congratulate “Robert” (names have been changed to protect the innocent) for his 25 years at that job he undoubtedly hates. I mean, look at his profile pic. He HATES that job. And the 300th alert is for that same open position that’s been advertised at Rue21 for the past 12 years. Fill that job, Rue21!
Have you ever read a post on LinkedIn? No. Because they don’t say anything, there is no way to comprehend the actual message — except for every post on www.linkedin.com/company/pittsburgh-city-paper/, which is a rather elegant curation of local events and stories bursting from the pages of Pittsburgh’s number-one alt weekly.
But everybody else’s posts go something like this: “At [mind-numbing conference], attending great discussions about how [product conference is shilling] is revolutionizing organizational ability to agilitize, streamline, and cross-pollinate business verticals via change agents that target low-hanging fruit deliverables.” These are the type of people who bring detailed notes to a “breakout session” rather than just run out the clock until it’s drink-ticket time. Everybody on LinkedIn is “partnering” with [company you’ve never heard of] to “deliver solutions” you don’t need or want. But the product is “cloud-based,” so you have to buy it. These are the people who ask you why you want to work for their company. They’re coworkers who ask you for endorsements on ambiguous skills like “advertising” or “doing.”
There is a parasitic energy to every step of LinkedIn’s user flow. Everyone wants to sell themselves or a product. “Someone has viewed your profile.” Ew! And you want me to pay you to find out whom it was? Gross! “You’ve appeared in 9 searches this week.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that information?!
But we can end this. I call on you, my faithful readers, who would literally die for me, to stop using LinkedIn. Together, we can send that site back to hell from whence it came. Don’t “grow your network,” “Reactivate Premium,” or open that connection request from India. Turn off your email notifications. Stop self-flagellating the last bit of your soul that’s cowering in the corner.