I have two best friends. The first one is a human named Bethany, and I have known her my entire life. The other is named Phineas, and he’s an inflatable shark. The first hates the second. I guess it’s normal to have jealousy amongst friends, but I hoped since Phineas is technically a toy Beth might not mind our bond.
I was wrong. It’s all becoming very Lord of the Flies.
My first suspicion of her hatred for Phineas began when she would purposely misspell his name as “Finous” in text messages. My second suspicion came when she proclaimed: “I hate Phineas. How would you like it if I called someone else my best friend?” I reminded her Phineas is made of plastic and only really exists in the Technicolor wonderland that is my mind. That response only angered her more.
Beth was married last Saturday. I stood by her side. Beth said I could not wear my Captain’s hat nor was I permitted to bring Phineas as my date — even though her wedding week was during Discovery Channel’s Shark Week.
Please don’t think for one second this was a coincidence. She purposely planned her wedding week to interfere with Shark Week because it’s the one week of the year that I focus on Phineas.
Instead of us watching Ronda Rousey go head-to-head with a mako shark, I was getting mani/pedis with bridesmaids. Phin and I couldn’t watch “SharkCam Stakeout” because I had to have final alterations on my dress. Don’t you dare ask me about “Sharks Gone Wild.” Don’t you dare! I don’t even want to talk about it.
I mean, I’m not saying Beth was a “Bridezilla,” but she sure did act like a Megalodon. Not that she would even know what that means.
Plus, it’s not like Phineas can watch Shark Week without me. He has fins, not fingers. Remote controls aren’t accessible for the poor little guy.
I know what you’re thinking: “Gab, why didn’t you just DVR Shark Week”? Yeah, sure. Why don’t you just DVR a Steelers game? It’s not the same.
Whatever. At least I could drown my sorrows at the cookie table. Not to be too dramatic (or derivative), but they needed a bigger table.
Gab Bonesso is a featured contributor and columnist. Find her performance schedule at gabbonesso.com